The conversation I am having a lot this week is how major events, life changing I guess, impact perceptions, relationships and how you deal with things. Let’s be honest, between Kelly and myself we have a lot of stuff that have formed us. Between us we have lost a child, left a tough marriage, had a child with special needs and, of course, had cancer. That’s just the tasting plate.
Every body has what I like to call ‘stuff’. Things in their lives that hurt, that overjoy, that shape who they are.

Kelly and I dated for a good 3 years before we really settled down and decided this was something we wanted to make serious. Both of us at some point hummed and harred. We were both emotionally in places that couldn’t seem to gel. One day we went to the place where we lost beautiful Ethan and on an otherwise raining and yucky day, a beam of sunlight came through on us as we were hugging. Almost something that felt like you only see it in movies. Somehow we knew then that we needed to be together always. Very shortly after we moved into together and so the rest fell into place.

We have definately had people fighting against us. The majority were in our court but we definately had people cheering against us. I get why. I do. The ‘stuff’ we have makes for enough reasons for us to be apart. Maybe the whole concept of two broken pieces can’t make one whole. However, for us, it went the other way. We helped to heal each other. We took each other to a place of understanding. We have compassion for each other and both of us understand what it is like to have something big happen.

We adore and idolise each other. We marvel at each other’s strength. We have a tenderness that I don’t know if many could grasp. We are constantly holding hands, giving cuddles, laughing together and on the darker days we cry together, hold each other, sing together at the top of our lungs and sometimes just embrace but say nothing.

My Hair Is Gone, My Skin Is Bad, My Eyes Are Grey And He Loves Me Right Through It All And Shows Me Compassion Like No Other…

Now I confess, I have held grudges in the past. Not often for long but I have. I have disapproved of decisions friends or family have made, I have had falling outs, I have hurt and cried and yes, like anyone else, I have bitched about people… Or as I like to call it “Discussing passionately”.

Since getting this cancer in particular, it has made me look back and reassess a lot of this. Ultimately, people have a right to make their own choices, take control of their own lives. It doesn’t mean they have the right to be arseholes, but they do have a right to make informed decisions about what makes them happy. It is within your control to either accept them or make peace with them…

The biggest thing of all is finding some peace. I want to find peace. This, maybe cliched, has made me appreciate people in a different way. I want to let go of pettiness and grudges. I want to make amends with wrong doings. I want so much. Life is too short to hold onto things.

My horoscope this week, which made me chuckle (I never pay attention to NW Magazine’s horoscopes but this amused me) “The second half of the year will see you repair damaged relationships of the past”… That’s exactly what I want to do. Especially as I have seem so much compassion and support of me and my family at this time.

My ex husband and I for many years had a bitter divorce. We fought a lot, we cried a lot and he hated Kelly… We were amicable to eachother in front of the small people but away from it a lot of hurt and anguish flew. Then I got this cancer.

What was a very strained relationship is now becomming something of the past. I have seen my ex’s relationship with our kids improve to no end and his relationship with Kelly and myself has done a complete 180. He has, in his own way, supported Kelly and I through this and we actually all ‘talk’ now. All 3 of us. About the kids, about life etc.

Then last night something happened that brought a tear to my eye. My son was in hospital again for another procedure and all three of us were there, for the first time, with both kids. And every one was happy. We laughed, the kids were so happy. We all played with the kids. I watched as my ex and Kelly talked and laughed over movies, over disciplining the kids, comparing notes of adventures they both had with the kids and I even heard my ex referring to Kelly as their ‘Daddy’.
I saw both kids jump up and hug both of them and smother them both in kisses and cuddles and vice versa.

It was on the car ride home I started reflecting on how, through every dark cloud, some of that very sunlight I mentioned for Kelly and I’s relationship, shines through. And somehow peace is made. Those things that we held onto seem so insignificant when someone you love so dearly or even just someone you care about is challenged by something that could remove them from your life all together.

So what I am saying here is even if you haven’t had something massively life altering, sit down today, take some time and think about those things you hold onto and breathe… Then let it go. It makes life a lot easier to get through.

Life is much much much too short to spend time hating or resenting.

And you know what? I don’t resent the fact I got cancer for it has helped me to grow up in many ways.

To finish off… I want to say I have never been a huge fan of Coldplay but the song that has always seemed to crop up over chemo is “Paradise” … This song has gotten me through a lot of times. It will always be my chemo song. The lyrics make me feel a lot of peace and have helped me reflect on a lot.
It is me. So thank you Coldplay for giving me this at this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg

In many ways… My life is just that. Paradise. And I want YOU to be a part of it.

This cycle has been the worst. Honestly. It has. I have never felt so sick and out of it in my life. I am barely able to walk and am dizzy and weak. It is balls.

Why don’t they provide me with a good old fashioned zimmer frame? Or a gopha?! Seriously it would help me move right now!!! I think the people of Perth will be rejoicing when they hear that I am off the roads for the majority. Driving it probably not a great idea!!! Boooooo… Oh well… It isn’t like I am going to be able to feel the “wind in my hair” anyway hahahaha

So today, once more, I am on my own at home on my couch. Kelly thinks I should be rejicing as there will only be so much longer I can do this. He’s right, that’s for sure. I just feel too weak to do anything else.

I think I have well and truly mastered the art now of impersonating Eminem or the guy from “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” … Trackies and hoodies around the home clearly make for a sex bomb… Refer to picture below:

Note: FrenchKissing Does Not Condone The Use Of “Air Guns”… Or Real Guns For That Matter. Unless We Are Talking About Muscles. That’s Ok. But Not The “Pew Pew” Ones.

Chemo is really starting to effect my family and my entire life. It truly strips you of everything you have. It is all for a good cause I know, but it is so damn tough and my admiration for those who do it is limitless.

Now, a good thing… No… A GREAT thing to come from this is the amount of support I have had. I know I have said this before but let me reiterate. This week saw the launch of an online auction for Ovarian Cancer Awareness run by my wonderful friends Sarah, Danielle and Narelle and of course myself and Kelly. My beautiful friends, who live over the other side of the country got together and came up with this idea as I was feeling rather useless and really wanting to get the message out there but felt limited means. I am but one women. And one woman doing chemo.

So, after 3 weeks of us discussing what to do this is what we came up with and it is now really taking off. The idea is we get as many people to donate to the cause as possible and then at the end of July we auction everything off. The entire sum of the proceeds we will donate to Ovarian Cancer Research.

I am absolutely astonished and overwhelmed at how many of my friends as well as people I have never met who are contributing to this already. We have full support and back up from the foundation also. We’re hoping to get some media coverage on this also.

I have said before, Breast Cancer Awareness is so high but Ovarian Cancer Awareness needs to catch up. Us 4 girls are doing what we can to get the message out there.

You’ve all asked me what you can do to help… This is it.

You can follow us on Facebook at the “Let’s Ova-Run Cancer” Auction:

Please like and follow us and if you can contribute, or if you would like to bid on the items, please do. This is for a very worthy cause to help women like myself fighting this battle.

To Sarah, Narelle, Danielle and all my increibly wonderful friends and family who are working their asses off to get the word out there, my heart melts. I am forever in debt to you. You have all also given me a purpose and something to fill in those times I am sitting here looking like a wannabe rap star.

I hope whatever money we raise through this in someways makes a difference, even to one woman out there.

My love forever and always.

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time and I am not sure why. I think I am tired of writing about chemo but frankly, this is my life right now. Still, it does become monotonous and the last thing I want to do it drive my readers away. Also I am having a major spam problems in my comments so it has driven me a little batty.

Tonight I am going to put my heart on my sleeve a little. I had my 5th of 6th treatments today and this made me happy. However, the more I go along with this gig, there is one thing that is not so good.

My personal insecurities are coming out like never before. I remember as a teenager I was quite the jealous and self doubting individual but as I went into my adult years it never really happened. I become quite comfortable and confident in myself and my relationships (Not just referring to romantic ones)

However, since starting chemo I have started reverting to that 16 year old girl who doubted every aspect of herself  and, most of all, this has been taken out on Kelly. It’s funny, I have never had someone be so supportive and throw themselves into things the way he has. I have never felt love the way I do… At the same time I am going through a ‘this is too good to be true’ phase.

I doubt he loves my body, I doubt he is happy with me,  I think he would rather be with others including people from his past, I keep asking him if he has ‘settled’ for me. I think I am grossly overweight, I think I am too masculine, I think I am too sick and tired. I think I am annoying and whingey, I think I am too hard to deal with. I’m a Mum and not particularly glamourous… I think, I think, I think.

It has gotten worse every cycle and I think right now it is at an all time high. But why? I have never had these thoughts before? So paranoid that I am not really the ‘love of his life’ as he tells me I am and just this person who was there to marry.

Yeah.

So, anyway, after talking to Kelly about this he said to me “Babe, seriously, if I was going to just settle for someone, do you think I would settle for a single Mum? No! I love you very much even WHEN you drive me up the wall *insert grin* ”

You know, I hear every word he is saying and pre chemo me would totally believe it and digest it. But at the moment I am in this pit of yuckiness. Is this normal? I don’t really know… I don’t really have anyone to compare to or talk to about it. Except for him. I don’t even this it has been all of chemo, just this last cycle in particular.

It’s been so bad that I have had moments I have thought about doing the ‘heroic’ thing and packing my bags and leaving so Kelly can have the life that isn’t as hard as it is with me right now.

Only my logical brain sets in and goes to “Well that is not heroic, that is cowardly…” And besides, I don’t want to fight for custody of my bed.  

I love him so much it hurts… I think the fundemental problem here is me not loving me?! Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t some kind of emo like depression causing it… It is just a vicious cycle of me being on this rollercoaster and some stupid little demon person telling me that he must love or prefer anyone else to me. They sure would be easier wouldn’t they?!

Man I have to snap out of this… Do you think in 20 or so days I will? Hopefully sooner.

I don’t think the tiredness helps…

So that’s it, for the sake of my bed, I will work on this … (Disclaimer: This is not actually about the bed, I happen to love my marriage and my husband and actually have no intention of leaving… My evil twin is a bit of a bitch )

Day 3… You dredded thing you. All I can say is a big fat ouch again… My bones hurt… Dag nabbit! And it is the weekend! I want to run around and go out for dinner and go shopping like normal people.

Still, this is my normal and shockingly I am becomming more comfortable with it. Yes, it hurts… But you know, I have come this far. It blows my mind to think this is my 4th treatment. I have made it this far on the road.
It may not seem a lot to some, but when you talk to all the Oncology team you would be amazed at how many people quit their treatment along the way. In fact, I have seen it for myself. The appointments were taking a long time so the gentleman in question and his encouraging daughter walked out and said as they left “Well it isn’t a big deal, you’ve done a couple”.

I know there are people who think it is some giant conspiracy to do chemotherapy but you know. I made an informed and calculated choice and I am comfortable with it.

I have now done 4 out of 6 treatments and whilst I can’t say “I feel great”… I can say that yes I feel some sense of achievement and satisfaction. I have learnt so much and you know, for the first time in my life, I can say I feel beautiful. For those who saw the pictures of my photo shoot you will know what I am referring to. I was shy, ashamed a little about being in the physical form I am in… Seeing the photos made me see myself differently. I felt real, and beautiful… And to see in a picture my husband, my children and my mother looking at me so adoringly… You can’t fake that… That is love. Real genuine love. They love me! And boy do I love them.

You’ve Got The Love I Need To See Me Through…

Anyway… Big news in this house hold today…

The Cancer Council of Western Australia are sending me a house cleaner!!! This sits strangely with me. I like my house clean for sure and yet, like many people I am told, I felt completely paranoid my house was too dirty for her to come into and clean! … I keep a tidy house, even with Chemo… But I started noticing things that ordinarily wouldn’t be noticeable. It took for my gorgeous hubby to come in and go “Babe, honestly, what are you doing?!” … Me and my frail self at the moment trying to nit pick at things… Alas, I got a big cuddle and demanded to go back and lay down.

Ok boss!

I keep thinking there is somebody out there more fitting to have this than me! However my chemo co-ordinator said “Sweetie, if you don’t use these services then the funding goes to waste… Believe me, everybody is taken care of”…
What angels there are out there to do this for you?
Thank you to them…

I was talking to Rachael about this matter and she had grand images of something like this coming to help me out:

“I Have Come To Clean Zeee House”

Me being the individual I am brought her back down to earth and said… “Well no… More like this….”

“Well Hello Handsome… Is That A Hose In Your Hand Or…..?”

Now now, let’s be serious… I am actually being sent a lovely and normal lady over who will fast become my angel. Just as the individuals who now give me natural therapies like Reiki, Bowen Therapy and Healing Touch have.

I want to shout out a huge thank you to those who throw themselves into the volunteering community for people going through tough times. These, to me, are the real heroes.

Lastly, once more, I want to thank the wonderful people who liked the album and shared it on Facebook of the photo session. Money will be donated from both  the business and Kelly and myself to the Ovarian Cancer Foundation of Australia.

I have so much love and gratitude for all of you. To those who haven’t, click like and support the thousands of women out there who are combating this illness.

This is going to be on a little more serious side. I do not in any shape, sense or form want to take away from Breast Cancer. It is a nasty cancer and deserves the attention it does.

However, after having been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, I have noticed more and more the lack of fundraising and support for this kind of cancer. There is so much press for the Pink Ribbon that it feels like the Teal Ribbon gets left behind. Yes, breast cancer is more common, yes it gets more press as celebrities of plenty have had it, however, Ovarian Cancer is one of the most deadly cancers of all.

The reason for this is that it is so difficult to detect. Women can spot breast cancer through self examination but you can’t self examine ovaries (DUH!)

Women are not given enough education on signs and symptoms and so it becomes a case of “To do it later”. How many women go to the Dr once a year and say “Can I please get a CA 125 blood test and an ultrasound?” Just to err on the side of caution?

I was stubborn enough to fight it for 13 months, not all women are like me. It isn’t a criticism, it is a fact.

So, with this it got me to thinking (Especially as in the last 5 or so days I have seen so many campaigns for breast cancer fundraising and awareness)…

I would like to do an Ovarian Cancer fundraiser of some kind. I am not sure how or what, but I have just been reading the Ovarian Cancer Australia website and you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, any time of year…(See Link Below)

http://www.ovariancancer.net.au/support-us/fundraising/

I would love to do this with the support of my friends and family. Women and Men.  I know it wouldn’t be thousands of dollars nor change the face of Ovarian Cancer awareness, however, it would be a little part in the world, a little token to show it does matter and it matters to me.

So this is just a starting call to see who would be interested to work with me on this… Even if it is just a little morning tea at my house. I would am putting the call out there to get some back up. Ideas, support, attendance… You name it.

This would be the greatest gift you could give me and others in my situation…

I don’t want to become Lance Armstrong… I just want to put in a little bit to make a little difference.

Before anyone I love, or a face I don’t know becomes like me, like this in the future… Having to do chemo and fight the fight. Like my new friend Shirley who is battling stage 3 with other illnesses…

I won’t hold it against you by any means and I am sorry if you feel guilted… Not at all my intention … I am just asking for help

The Night Of Chemo… At Least IHave New PJs (Which Usually I Don’t Wear But Now My Hair Is Gone I Get Super Cold )