The conversation I am having a lot this week is how major events, life changing I guess, impact perceptions, relationships and how you deal with things. Let’s be honest, between Kelly and myself we have a lot of stuff that have formed us. Between us we have lost a child, left a tough marriage, had a child with special needs and, of course, had cancer. That’s just the tasting plate.
Every body has what I like to call ‘stuff’. Things in their lives that hurt, that overjoy, that shape who they are.
Kelly and I dated for a good 3 years before we really settled down and decided this was something we wanted to make serious. Both of us at some point hummed and harred. We were both emotionally in places that couldn’t seem to gel. One day we went to the place where we lost beautiful Ethan and on an otherwise raining and yucky day, a beam of sunlight came through on us as we were hugging. Almost something that felt like you only see it in movies. Somehow we knew then that we needed to be together always. Very shortly after we moved into together and so the rest fell into place.
We have definately had people fighting against us. The majority were in our court but we definately had people cheering against us. I get why. I do. The ‘stuff’ we have makes for enough reasons for us to be apart. Maybe the whole concept of two broken pieces can’t make one whole. However, for us, it went the other way. We helped to heal each other. We took each other to a place of understanding. We have compassion for each other and both of us understand what it is like to have something big happen.
We adore and idolise each other. We marvel at each other’s strength. We have a tenderness that I don’t know if many could grasp. We are constantly holding hands, giving cuddles, laughing together and on the darker days we cry together, hold each other, sing together at the top of our lungs and sometimes just embrace but say nothing.
My Hair Is Gone, My Skin Is Bad, My Eyes Are Grey And He Loves Me Right Through It All And Shows Me Compassion Like No Other…
Now I confess, I have held grudges in the past. Not often for long but I have. I have disapproved of decisions friends or family have made, I have had falling outs, I have hurt and cried and yes, like anyone else, I have bitched about people… Or as I like to call it “Discussing passionately”.
Since getting this cancer in particular, it has made me look back and reassess a lot of this. Ultimately, people have a right to make their own choices, take control of their own lives. It doesn’t mean they have the right to be arseholes, but they do have a right to make informed decisions about what makes them happy. It is within your control to either accept them or make peace with them…
The biggest thing of all is finding some peace. I want to find peace. This, maybe cliched, has made me appreciate people in a different way. I want to let go of pettiness and grudges. I want to make amends with wrong doings. I want so much. Life is too short to hold onto things.
My horoscope this week, which made me chuckle (I never pay attention to NW Magazine’s horoscopes but this amused me) “The second half of the year will see you repair damaged relationships of the past”… That’s exactly what I want to do. Especially as I have seem so much compassion and support of me and my family at this time.
My ex husband and I for many years had a bitter divorce. We fought a lot, we cried a lot and he hated Kelly… We were amicable to eachother in front of the small people but away from it a lot of hurt and anguish flew. Then I got this cancer.
What was a very strained relationship is now becomming something of the past. I have seen my ex’s relationship with our kids improve to no end and his relationship with Kelly and myself has done a complete 180. He has, in his own way, supported Kelly and I through this and we actually all ‘talk’ now. All 3 of us. About the kids, about life etc.
Then last night something happened that brought a tear to my eye. My son was in hospital again for another procedure and all three of us were there, for the first time, with both kids. And every one was happy. We laughed, the kids were so happy. We all played with the kids. I watched as my ex and Kelly talked and laughed over movies, over disciplining the kids, comparing notes of adventures they both had with the kids and I even heard my ex referring to Kelly as their ‘Daddy’.
I saw both kids jump up and hug both of them and smother them both in kisses and cuddles and vice versa.
It was on the car ride home I started reflecting on how, through every dark cloud, some of that very sunlight I mentioned for Kelly and I’s relationship, shines through. And somehow peace is made. Those things that we held onto seem so insignificant when someone you love so dearly or even just someone you care about is challenged by something that could remove them from your life all together.
So what I am saying here is even if you haven’t had something massively life altering, sit down today, take some time and think about those things you hold onto and breathe… Then let it go. It makes life a lot easier to get through.
Life is much much much too short to spend time hating or resenting.
And you know what? I don’t resent the fact I got cancer for it has helped me to grow up in many ways.
To finish off… I want to say I have never been a huge fan of Coldplay but the song that has always seemed to crop up over chemo is “Paradise” … This song has gotten me through a lot of times. It will always be my chemo song. The lyrics make me feel a lot of peace and have helped me reflect on a lot.
It is me. So thank you Coldplay for giving me this at this time.
In many ways… My life is just that. Paradise. And I want YOU to be a part of it.