This is going to sound incredibly selfish but why… WHY can’t I have a little good news without being hit with some bad with it? WHY?!
I am not striving for greatness, I don’t want to be rich and famous (Ok, rich would be nice ), I don’t want the world to owe me something. All I want is a break where things are just ‘Ok’.
Today I was quietly optimistic about my fertility appointment. I have, of course, doubted my decision in terms of the risk, I think anyone would. However, I had just started sliding into ‘comfortable’ with it and felt that today was a good thing.
After waiting an hour once more for an appointment, my fertility doctor called Kelly and I in. He was actually pleased to see us back and asked if we were given 2 cycles. I said “No, just the one, this one cycle to get what we can!” He said “Ok, good, ok, that is better than nothing!”
Kelly and I sat there anxiously waiting while the Dr filled out forms and started to prep us for what was ahead.
Then he hit us with “Ok, did you get your thyroid blood test?” … I had gone and done that Friday morning just gone as instructed. I had no reason to doubt anything was wrong. He looked for my results and then went “Oh, wow” .. My mind went “WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT THE F**KING WHAT?!” but my mouth said “What’s wrong?”
“You have an over-active thyroid!” … WHAT THE DICKENS?!?!?!!!!!!
“What does that mean?”
“Well, it is better to be over-active than underactive while undergoing IVF, but to have it during chemo is… Well… You’ll have to go to a Dr to have it treated” …
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANOTHER DOCTOR! HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS?!?!?!?!
Ok… So… Ok… Cool… How does it happen? Why does it happen? How do we treat it? We never really got answers. I don’t want to Dr Google…
Keep positive. We still get to do IVF right?!
He then goes on to say that he personally did not have Kelly’s test results. So the nerves went back up.
He asked me when my next period was due. When he realised it should, in theory, be within the next 2 weeks at some point, he realised this WAS a rush and he needed to get on things pretty quick smart.
The questions kept on. Then it got to the crunch point:
“Leanne, do you have any children from a previous relationship?” “Yes”
“Kelly, you have NO children do you?” … Ouch. We then had to explain Ethan and what happened. They needed this info to see if there were any medical reasons. Yeah, that sucked. All I could do was look at Kelly and tell him I love him. I actually think he was more grounded than me at this point. Whether or not that was because we were in a room with a stranger or whether it was because he was just trying to get through… I’m unsure.
The Dr left the room to find a consultant who could see us immediately to get the IVF ball rolling. So, not 45 minutes later Kelly and I were in for our second appointment for the day. She was a lovely Dr, very friendly and postive and cheery.
She went through all the same questions again. Again came the questions on our parenting past. When, once more, we explained the situation she went “Yeahhh, that is tragic” … She then turned to Kelly and said “Yeah, my two girls… They’re on either side of Ethan” Then listed their birth years. Hmmm ok. Sure.
Anyway, despite that weirdness she was nice and really made sure we understood what was ahead. I have an appointment at the Fertility Centre on Wednesday to get more blood tests and learn how to inject myself and such.
Also, she explained a little more about the thyroid, how I may need medication to treat it though because of chemo it may very well be a case of observe until the end.
She told us how I had 10 plus follicles on my ultrasound and this is a good thing where IVF is concerned.
She then suggested that I have an injection to make my right ovary go to sleep during chemo. That’s not an option because of it being ovarian cancer. So with that she went “Yeahhh… You’ll go into menopause and have to have HRT”… Yeah I knew it, but it still sucks.
And then she told us Kelly’s test results. They were BRILLIANT! Perfect!!! This was a real highbrow for us, yet at the same time I had sadness. As bad as this sounds, it confirmed that the only thing holding Kelly and I back from having a baby is… well me. I apologised so much for this. Of course he said that I was being silly… I still felt and feel incredible guilt.
At this point, I then had my moment. I began to cry and said “Why can’t I just have some good news without a but?” …
The Dr was amazing and said I deserve good luck, spirits and treasures coming. Again, I just don’t want to have to do any of this.
I don’t want to lose my hair, I don’t want cancer, I don’t want to do IVF, I don’t want to see any more Drs, I don’t want my little boy to go to hospital, I want Ethan back here with all of us… I, I, I, I… Such unrealistic requests rights?
I’m flat tonight. And honestly, if one person says to me “It’s really not that bad!” or “Ahhh that’s nothing” and other cliches like that tonight, I will slap them in the face and punch them in the ovary (Boy or girl) … No pep talks please.
Just completely over it all tonight.
So Wednesday at 9:30am and 3:30pm at different locations I am yet again subjected to more.
And this is only the beginning.
Kelly has been a total rock yet again today and so incredibly strong. I think doing it alone I would crumble. Or maybe I would adapt, but you know what, I don’t even want to think about that…
I am going to curl up with my husband and have a big sad tonight…
And then in the next day or two, be cautiously optimistic.