This is going to sound incredibly selfish but why… WHY can’t I have a little good news without being hit with some bad with it? WHY?!

I am not striving for greatness, I don’t want to be rich and famous (Ok, rich would be nice ), I don’t want the world to owe me something. All I want is a break where things are just ‘Ok’.

Today I was quietly optimistic about my fertility appointment. I have, of course, doubted my decision in terms of the risk, I think anyone would. However, I had just started sliding into ‘comfortable’ with it and felt that today was a good thing.

After waiting an hour once more for an appointment, my fertility doctor called Kelly and I in. He was actually pleased to see us back and asked if we were given 2 cycles. I said “No, just the one, this one cycle to get what we can!” He said “Ok, good, ok, that is better than nothing!”

Kelly and I sat there anxiously waiting while the Dr filled out forms and started to prep us for what was ahead.

Then he hit us with “Ok, did you get your thyroid blood test?” … I had gone and done that Friday morning just gone as instructed. I had no reason to doubt anything was wrong. He looked for my results and then went “Oh, wow” .. My mind went “WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT THE F**KING WHAT?!” but my mouth said “What’s wrong?”
“You have an over-active thyroid!” … WHAT THE DICKENS?!?!?!!!!!!
“What does that mean?”
“Well, it is better to be over-active than underactive while undergoing IVF, but to have it during chemo is… Well… You’ll have to go to a Dr to have it treated” …

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANOTHER DOCTOR! HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS?!?!?!?!

Ok… So… Ok… Cool… How does it happen? Why does it happen? How do we treat it? We never really got answers. I don’t want to Dr Google…

Keep positive. We still get to do IVF right?!

He then goes on to say that he personally did not have Kelly’s test results. So the nerves went back up.

He asked me when my next period was due. When he realised it should, in theory, be within the next 2 weeks at some point, he realised this WAS a rush and he needed to get on things pretty quick smart.

The questions kept on. Then it got to the crunch point:
“Leanne, do you have any children from a previous relationship?” “Yes”
“Kelly, you have NO children do you?” … Ouch. We then had to explain Ethan and what happened. They needed this info to see if there were any medical reasons. Yeah, that sucked. All I could do was look at Kelly and tell him I love him. I actually think he was more grounded than me at this point. Whether or not that was because we were in a room with a stranger or whether it was because he was just trying to get through… I’m unsure.

Meh.

The Dr left the room to find a consultant who could see us immediately to get the IVF ball rolling. So, not 45 minutes later Kelly and I were in for our second appointment for the day. She was a lovely Dr, very friendly and postive and cheery.

She went through all the same questions again. Again came the questions on our parenting past. When, once more, we explained the situation she went “Yeahhh, that is tragic” … She then turned to Kelly and said “Yeah, my two girls… They’re on either side of Ethan” Then listed their birth years. Hmmm ok. Sure.

Anyway, despite that weirdness she was nice and really made sure we understood what was ahead. I have an appointment at the Fertility Centre on Wednesday to get more blood tests and learn how to inject myself and such.

Also, she explained a little more about the thyroid, how I may need medication to treat it though because of chemo it may very well be a case of observe until the end.
She told us how I had 10 plus follicles on my ultrasound and this is a good thing where IVF is concerned.

She then suggested that I have an injection to make my right ovary go to sleep during chemo. That’s not an option because of it being ovarian cancer. So with that she went “Yeahhh… You’ll go into menopause and have to have HRT”… Yeah I knew it, but it still sucks.

And then she told us Kelly’s test results. They were BRILLIANT! Perfect!!! This was a real highbrow for us, yet at the same time I had sadness. As bad as this sounds, it confirmed that the only thing holding Kelly and I back from having a baby is… well me. I apologised so much for this. Of course he said that I was being silly… I still felt and feel incredible guilt.

At this point, I then had my moment. I began to cry and said “Why can’t I just have some good news without a but?” …

The Dr was amazing and said I deserve good luck, spirits and treasures coming. Again, I just don’t want to have to do any of this.

I don’t want to lose my hair, I don’t want cancer, I don’t want to do IVF, I don’t want to see any more Drs, I don’t want my little boy to go to hospital, I want Ethan back here with all of us… I, I, I, I… Such unrealistic requests rights?

I’m flat tonight. And honestly, if one person says to me “It’s really not that bad!” or “Ahhh that’s nothing” and other cliches like that tonight, I will slap them in the face and punch them in the ovary (Boy or girl) … No pep talks please.

Just completely over it all tonight.

So Wednesday at 9:30am and 3:30pm at different locations I am yet again subjected to more.

And this is only the beginning.

Kelly has been a total rock yet again today and so incredibly strong. I think doing it alone I would crumble. Or maybe I would adapt, but you know what, I don’t even want to think about that…

I am going to curl up with my husband and have a big sad tonight…

And then in the next day or two, be cautiously optimistic.

Hello again. These are just some of the changes we are working on. You may notice we have added an ‘About The Author’ tab as well as a ‘Food Stuff’ tab where I will share some of my cooking adventures. I have only so far put a couple of recipes in but I will keep going in the next few days. I would love feedback and also suggestions on how to do things differently if you have them We are still working on the site but it is certainly shaping up better for me… Any thoughts?
(Sorry it is taking so long, we have had sick kids all week so we are both exhausted )

Anyway, real post time…

One of the funniest disagreements we have in this house is the pronounciation of a simple word. In particular, it is how to say the name of a common household meal. One I am sure that everyone will agree with my point of view on. Actually, there are two food ones… But I am SURE there will many more.

I think it funny how two people raised in the same town could have such variations on what they say…

The two words in question for me are “Taco” and “Lasangne”.

My way of saying them “TAR-CO” and “LAS-AN-YA”

Kelly’s way of saying them “TACK-CO” and “LOS-ARN-YE”

Now this may seem silly in the grand scheme of things, and honestly I would agree, but this is very serious business in this household. Even our princess weighs in on the debate and says “Dad, seriously, you are SO wrong”.

His debate, particularly when speaking of said Mexican yumminess? “A car has a “tack-co” and you don’t call that a “tar-co” therefor it is a “tack-co”

Most Thursdays we will do Mexican night at home (Ok, so last night I did a LAS-AN-YA! which incidentally made me think of this) and this becomes a roaring debate over meal time. Imagine a heated debate (With lots of laughing chucked in) over this.

Kelly will not budge on his position or me and princess on ours.

And consistently Missy and I use this in our defence (You know, because Homer is the be all and end all of knowledge )

Homer Orders Tacos

This amuses me so

I actually believe this is a debate that will never go well in either direction. Even though he is the only person I have ever heard calling a “TAR-CO” a “TACK-CO” … I get the car reference, but they are two separate things. Besides, I look at a car and go “Ooooo pretty and shiny” …  I have no idea the workings of such a fantastic machine

One thing is for sure in this marriage, I have learnt to laugh in ways I never thought possible. Most days we laugh over something. What can I say? We are hilarious

SIDE NOTE:

You know I read back on some posts and I realised I was slack and never kept up with my good memory journal (Online that is). So I thought I better put something in today.

I remember when I was 5 years old. My father and brother went on a 6 week trip to Europe whilst my mother and I stayed home together. I thought it was the greatest thing, just me and my Mum. Back then there wasn’t internet or mobile phones and online shopping. My 5th birthday came up and I was sad that my brother and Dad were away that day. I remember a knock at the door so I went to answer it (Again, back then you could). A man stood at the door holding a doll and some flowers. He asked to speak to my Mum. After handing over the doll and flowers Mum called me over and said “These are for you”. We read the card together and it said “Happy birthday Leanne, We miss you and love you lots”. The doll played a beautiful tune when you twisted her stand at the bottom.
I remember feeling so happy and spoilt. Then wondered how Daddy and Dan got the flowers “Allllllllllll the way from Europe ” to Perth. (Of course I know otherwise).
Later that night Mum took me down the shop and bought us a Twix and made me promise not to tell the boys we shared one because they would be jealous and it was our little secret. I felt very special. Of course now, Mum has little chance of stealing some of my Twix hahahahahahahaha (I kid I kid! )

How do you recover from the unexpected? It isn’t even the physical wounds that are the worst. It is the emotional.

For the last 18 months or more I have been fighting to say I felt like something was wrong. I know my body and I knew the pain. The Drs kept saying “Look, we’ll do an ultrasound” … And so they did, and each time they found “A cyst, nothing to worry about”. I knew though that when you repeatedly have ultrasounds and repeatedly they show a “cyst” that isn’t normal. I get millions of women get them, it is the fact that this “cyst” remained and always the same size that made me wonder if it was more.

So 6 or so months ago I pushed further. I have a friend who is a GP who I had on board now (I tried not to visit her because she is a friend) who pushed for more to happen. So 2 doctors, 2 lots of ultrasounds, 2 opinions both saying the same thing. I had so many ultrasounds I lost count, a CT scan also which indicated something there and more than one CA125 blood test (Cancer marker). Thankfully, the CA125s kept coming back clear and normal.

I had blood tests for luekemia, for HIV, for iron deficiany etc etc etc… You name it. ALL which came back clear. This was great news.

Still this “cyst” remained. Finally 4 months ago I went in for yet another ultrasound and the specialist came in to view it this time. She said “Yeah, we don’t like this” … I asked why? She went on to explain there was a solid mass in the cyst. “Is this cancer?” I asked. Seemed the obvious question. She replied “Well, a large amount of cases are, a large amount of cases aren’t” … Helpful. I get it. She couldn’t say either way.

So more blood tests. All came back clear again. My gyno believed I was cancer free… Truthfully, by this point, I had to agree. I didn’t feel this was the case. Still, I had a growth that wasn’t going away.

It was decided it needed operating on and soon. So after a gruelling 2 months we finally had a surgery date.

When I went in I was terrified. I have drug allergies (Several) so the thought of going under terrifies me. They didn’t let Kelly come very far in with me so it only made my fear larger.

I spent some time talking with the Drs, Anesthatists and Nurses. The questions “Do you have children? Would you like more children? Are you aware of what is about to happen?” etc etc were asked over and over. Yes I do, Yes I would, Not Really. My reply.

They told me it was a laparoscopy. Cool. I had heard of these. Knew it was no big dea, lots of women have them. The Dr went on to say to me “There is a very remote, 1 in 250,000 chance of us having to do a oophorectomy” …. “Which is?” “The removal of your ovary/ies. This is HIGHLY unlikely but do we have your consent in the need?” … I didn’t see why not at the time.

I go in, they put me to sleep. Before they do all I could think of was how my 5 year old often has to go under a general and seemed so much stronger than me. What a wuss.

When I awoke, it was to the Dr. I was groggy, sickly, scared and alone.

“Leanne, we are very sorry, we had to remove your ovary. We found not one but two separate cysts, both with solid matter. We did and pelvic wash and a lap also and on the plus side, the rest of you looks in good shape” … I vaguely remember asking “Can I still have a baby?” … “Yes you can, but it is going to be a lot more difficult. Not impossible… but certainly more challenging”…

I fell back to sleep. A few hours later I woke up. Confused. They let me go back to Kelly. I was so ill. I don’t think I should have been released. They had given me a cocktail of the medicines I was allergic to blended with a few others as they had no choice.

I slept and slept and slept and slept. I am still sleeping a lot. I am sore. As each day goes on, I feel more and more depressed. I can’t stop crying. I am looking at 4 separate incisions on my belly and as stupid as this sounds, feeling like so much less of a woman.

My mother sat with me and cried with me. She was about my age when something similar happened to her. She said she has never really recovered from it. She stroked my hair and it occurred to me that having your Mum there when you are sick helps.

Kelly has been incredible. He had 2 days off work. He took care of me. He sat with me, held me as I cried, fed me, massaged me… You name it. And most importantly told me he loved me no matter what, and I am still his woman, his lady and the love of his life.

I haven’t seen my kids for 3 or so days. I miss them.

Most of all I wonder when I will start to feel like normal again. If I will feel like normal again.

I, very selfishly, feel very robbed. 1 in 250,000 chance? I won the wrong type of lottery.

I know it could be worse. I am so thankful it isn’t. SO thankful. It still doesn’t detract from the pits of depression I feel now. It’s been al ong and tiring process. One day at a time…

I’m sorry friends and family. I’m just out of office at the moment. xoxo “Back in 5″

I am a disaster area… It is official. For some reason at the moment I keep injuring myself. I have burn marks on my hands, I have cut my fingers with my new knives twice, I stubbed my toe…

This morning alone I burnt myself with my straightening iron, tripped over the vaccuum cord, slammed my finger in a draw and knocked myself on the arm where I had my injections yesterday (Which, might I add, hurts a buttload already)…

And the worst bit is… Absolutely NO McSteamy to look after me…

Excuse Me Doctor, But Is That Champagne Flute To Scale? *cough cough, wink wink*

In addition, as I have no doubt said repeatedly, I am having surgery on Tuesday which is total balls… However, I am going to try and remain as positive about it as possible.

I think this whole thing may be psychological… Like, you injure yourself once and then keep rolling. Kind of like quicksand…

We all know I am a massive fan of the Yackety Sacks music from Benny Hill… I honestly believe the world would be a much more humourous place if you could play that in unfortunate moments. Sure there would be a lot less big busty women running around (Then again, I seem to be one of the few small breasted women remaining these days ) … But honestly, everyone would be laughing all the time…

“Well Hello Sugar Plums… Ooooo Ooooo I mean PLUM!”

If this was the case, I would feel far less tragic and unfortunate and far more like a comical genius!

And whilst I may be “sans” McSteamy, I have “McKelly” to take care of me… And seriously, his cuddles are WAY better I am sure… None of that rock hard belly and I am really not a lover of beards…

Love you babe!

What is it about optimism that seems to come so naturally to my husband? He is a doll, so adorable and loving… And he seems to have this natural ability to think the best outcome in any situation.
None to surprisingly I would imagine, I am usually the glass is half empty. You see, if it is half empty, then when great things happen they are even greater.

I love this whole ying and yang thing we have going on. Although sometimes, I want him to one day wear my shoes (Not literally thank you very much, although,maybe it would be hot? )

Oh To Live In The Dream Of Pricilla… Somehow I Don’t Think Kelly Would Dig It…

I honestly would love to hear him go “Well this sucks… this happened and then this and it was awful and I hated it and it was a complete disaster and I want to curl into a ball and cry”

Alas I am sure that would just take away a part of his masculinity and that need and god given right to be the protector, the warrior, the provider… Me Tarzan, You Jane!

I Contemplated A Tarzan Image, However, Felt It VITAL To This Post To Show Brendan Fraser… You Know, For Education…

In all seriousness, I love his outlook on things. I actually wish I was more like him in this respect (But shhhh, don’t tell him! … Oh crap, he reads this… Ummmm ‘Hi Honey!’ ). I think it would make dealing with the day to day a little easier.
Being around him, I think I am getting a lot better. I am learning to start taking the positives in a situation and doing the whole “Counting to 10″ …

No, he didn’t teach me how to count to 10! I did that all by myself with my fingers and toes!

ONEEEEE… Ah Har Har Har….

I don’t think this is a quality in me that will ever entirely go away, the whole glass is half empty thing… I do, however, believe that you need to at least TRY to make it a part of your life to be more positive.

Kelly seems to make me feel calmer, he makes me take a breath… And whilst he may not necessarily be happy and peachy all the time (And considering what he has been through, why should he have to?), he spends the majority believing that the best possible outcome will happen. I love this about him.

Even last night when I was tired and grumpy after being held up at a concert waiting for a shuttle bus back to my car for over and hour, he still remained his positive self. And even though I promised him I would spend time with him as soon as I got home, and yet did not get home until after midnight… He still waited up for me, gave me huge cuddles and said “It’s ok babe, we have the rest of our lives remember” …

I wish more people were like him, but then, I feel even luckier than he is mine!   (Or maybe that I am his)