I haven’t written in a while because, truthfully, I went into a lot of reflection after my last post (Which I have since not deleted, but set it to private for a while… I know some of you read it).
A lot of that really affected me and made me question my approach to a lot of things.
Bottom line though is I am me and have to do this my way. End of story.
The other thing is, now that chemo is over, I am trying to figure out who I am and what I am now. It is a weird zone. You know chemo is over so you expect that you should be well and able to jump right back up and be totally normal. Then you start to realise that this is not the case. You are still SO SO SO tired. Your body still aches and you feel like a shell of what you were before it all started.
And to be bluntly honest, the depression I have now far exceeds anything I went through during chemo. According to my Drs this is normal because whilst on chemo, you are just too sick to feel anything but… well sick. Then it all hits you at the end. This is true. I have felt very down, very lost and very overwhelmed. How long until I feel more energetic? How long until my hair growns back? (Yes, you notice this EVERY DAY!) How do you every stop worrying that something bad is growing within?
You have so much time to think now and that is where reality hits.
In my post chemo CT scan my other ovary showed two little cysts. Of course my natural instinct is to go into panic overdrive. My Drs said my bloodwork was great, there was no evidential solid lump on the CT scan so in all likeliness they are benign. I have an ultrasound Friday and I am more scared now that what I was during this whole process. I can’t even explain why.
I need to learn the power of positive thinking… Then again, maybe it is best to be pleasantly surprised?
People ask me “What does your gut say as this was the thing that got you diagnosed in the first place?” … This is FANTASTIC logic… Unfortunately my gut seems to have gone on vacation and left me to make a call. I have no idea. We’ll see huh? Watch this space, no doubt you will know either way.
The one good thing going for me is that I had a cyst on this ovary before I started chemo which was biopsied and came back clear. So the chances of it developing into malignancy during chemo is quite slim.
Back to the hair. Yes the hair. Tonight was the first time in months I have had to shave in the shower. That was weird. Something I had almost forgotten. Though the hair now is very fine and more visable than a physical thing to the touch. Was bizarre.
My head hair is on its way. It almost happened overnight. One day nothing, the next a puffy fuzz. Kelly is calling me his chia pet. It is very blonde and very soft. I wonder how long it will take? (See again! I ask the question).
Anyway, this is a bit of a ramble. Hey, I am tired, it is bedtime and all that jazz.
Wish me luck for Friday… I will imagining many hands holding mine.
Cancer doesn’t end at the end of chemo, it seems like it is going to follow me indefinately.
Still, I definately believe now is the time for us to have a great life. And I know I am going to survive, I just hope the road does, in fact, end with this chemo alone
We’re about to build a new house… New house, new start, new memories, long life