I haven’t written a blog post in a long time and I am not sure why. I think I am tired of writing about chemo but frankly, this is my life right now. Still, it does become monotonous and the last thing I want to do it drive my readers away. Also I am having a major spam problems in my comments so it has driven me a little batty.
Tonight I am going to put my heart on my sleeve a little. I had my 5th of 6th treatments today and this made me happy. However, the more I go along with this gig, there is one thing that is not so good.
My personal insecurities are coming out like never before. I remember as a teenager I was quite the jealous and self doubting individual but as I went into my adult years it never really happened. I become quite comfortable and confident in myself and my relationships (Not just referring to romantic ones)
However, since starting chemo I have started reverting to that 16 year old girl who doubted every aspect of herself and, most of all, this has been taken out on Kelly. It’s funny, I have never had someone be so supportive and throw themselves into things the way he has. I have never felt love the way I do… At the same time I am going through a ‘this is too good to be true’ phase.
I doubt he loves my body, I doubt he is happy with me, I think he would rather be with others including people from his past, I keep asking him if he has ‘settled’ for me. I think I am grossly overweight, I think I am too masculine, I think I am too sick and tired. I think I am annoying and whingey, I think I am too hard to deal with. I’m a Mum and not particularly glamourous… I think, I think, I think.
It has gotten worse every cycle and I think right now it is at an all time high. But why? I have never had these thoughts before? So paranoid that I am not really the ‘love of his life’ as he tells me I am and just this person who was there to marry.
So, anyway, after talking to Kelly about this he said to me “Babe, seriously, if I was going to just settle for someone, do you think I would settle for a single Mum? No! I love you very much even WHEN you drive me up the wall *insert grin* ”
You know, I hear every word he is saying and pre chemo me would totally believe it and digest it. But at the moment I am in this pit of yuckiness. Is this normal? I don’t really know… I don’t really have anyone to compare to or talk to about it. Except for him. I don’t even this it has been all of chemo, just this last cycle in particular.
It’s been so bad that I have had moments I have thought about doing the ‘heroic’ thing and packing my bags and leaving so Kelly can have the life that isn’t as hard as it is with me right now.
Only my logical brain sets in and goes to “Well that is not heroic, that is cowardly…” And besides, I don’t want to fight for custody of my bed.
I love him so much it hurts… I think the fundemental problem here is me not loving me?! Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t some kind of emo like depression causing it… It is just a vicious cycle of me being on this rollercoaster and some stupid little demon person telling me that he must love or prefer anyone else to me. They sure would be easier wouldn’t they?!
Man I have to snap out of this… Do you think in 20 or so days I will? Hopefully sooner.
I don’t think the tiredness helps…
So that’s it, for the sake of my bed, I will work on this … (Disclaimer: This is not actually about the bed, I happen to love my marriage and my husband and actually have no intention of leaving… My evil twin is a bit of a bitch )