Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

Confucius

***WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS CONTENT OF ADULT NATURE… DO NOT READ IF IT OFFENDS YOU***

This is going to be one of those smooshy gooey lovey dovey posts. I’ll keep it as brief as possible…

I was sitting in the shower this morning… Ok hold on, let me explain… I was sitting… My shower is  rather large for one and for two, standing is an effort at the moment so sitting to shower helps me a great deal… And having a think.

Here I was, on one hand, the epitomy of what most women wish… Skin smooth as smooth can be, not a hair anywhere (It seems the be the biggest point of jealously from my galpals), no unsightly shave marks or stubble… It’s kind of sexy right? I mean women generally feel more feminine when they are silky. Well, at least in this culture.

Now on the other hand, I have a prickly, stubbly head with a bit of ‘peach fuzz’ and a few pimples.

If Kelly runs his hands up my legs, it is sexy… If he rubs his fingers through my… well… hair… It is kind of awkward and weird.

I was sitting and going through the body concious motions in my head. To feel sexy, to feel mutant. It is almost like that half white, half black impersonator. Look one way then the other and you have the best of both worlds.

One thing that my Drs talk to me about often is ‘Sexuality’ and ‘Chemotherapy’ … They insist that the majority of their patients lose interest and do not participate in any activity during treatment. This is largely due to a lack of drive versus the body image issues.

I understand. When you feel so sickly, it is hard to muster up ‘the mood’ let alone feel sexy.

As I sat in my shower I started thinking about how much my hair (Head people ) made me feel sexy… I loved my long hair, I loved the feeling of it on my back… I loved Kelly running his fingers through it… It then occurred to me just how much it became part of my identity as a “woman”.
This actually made me feel a little ridiculous. Why? My anatomy clearly states that I am female and there are men in the world who have long hair, so why am I putting such large emphasis on this physical attribute?

The lack of hair on the rest of my body is not enough to persuade me to feel ‘sexy’ or ‘sexual’. And yet, it is every woman’s dream. Why do you think IPL is so popular?

Now, Kelly and I have never had problems in ‘that department’. We have always been very active and things have never been dull. We are very fortunate to be very connected that way (Excuse the pun). I honestly didn’t believe that chemo would be enough to change this. Until this week.

This third cycle has hit me for six. I haven’t felt great, my body is more lumpy, my beautiful (and what I considered sexy) hair is gone and I kind of look like Gollum… My precious. This is my perception anyway.

I Can Always Muster A Smile For The Camera

I had been sitting in my shower trying to think how on earth I would tell Kelly “I am just not that into…. it?” (It is not him… To me, he is still as gorgeous as ever!). The strange thing is, my concerns were largely placed on what HE was thinking about me.
HE must think I am gross… HE must think I am not womanly as my hair is gone… HE must think I am gross because my body is filled with chemicals… HE HE HE. All HE.

Not in any of this did I think “Well HE hasn’t not said this” “HE has not implied this” “HE loves ME”.

All philosophical like, I then started thinking that we are our own worst critics. We judge ourselves so much more harshly than others and whilst everyone sees us as model, we see ourselves as physically deranged and deformed.

Still, this didn’t change my lack of “mojo”. I decided then I would have to tell Kelly how I was feeling and that maybe it needed to be put on the back burner. But then how would I do that? I layed in bed and started to strategise having “The talk” only to have my husband roll over and hold me and kiss me. He touched my skin and smiled at me, he looked into my eyes adoringly.
All of sudden my “Gollum” complex changed into me feeling like a super model again.

When everything was said and done I looked at my husband and said “I was going to tell you we can’t do that anymore because I feel like a beast” etc etc etc…

He looked at me, stroked my face and said “You are still and will always be beautiful to me”

And in that, is why I love the Confucious quote above so much. Beauty is in everything, just not everybody sees it. In this case, the everybody is me… I think now I will put this quote on my mirror just for a little kick each day.