So guess what? As of Tuesday I will be half way through my treatment! I can not begin to explain how happy I am about this. I mean, the thought of another three more after that is daunting. That means 3 weeks more of being ill… YUCK!
Half way through! Wow! I can’t believe it.
It has been ages since I last posted on here. (And by ages, I am talking around 3 weeks) … I thought I better do something. I guess I have just found it hard to articulate what I want to.
I saw my psych again this week (For those not in the know, I have to see one as a part of this process to make sure I am coping ok etc etc etc) … She said to me this week she actually thinks I am coping better than most others… That I am very level headed and grounded. HA! Read it and weep doubters!
One of the things I discussed with her is how I believe it is others around me who I feel are not “coping” so well. This conversation carried on today between Kelly and myself.
We started to talk about the idea of “self preservation” … Kelly’s and my definition varied. Kelly believes that self preservation is to not stress on events that otherwise could upset you… So in other words, you shouldn’t have to stop being who you are just because people are not going to respond in the way you think they are.
I, however, believe that “self preservation” is to protect yourself from being hurt or made to be uncomfortable or generally protect yourself from anything that may negatively impact your life, alas, you do not put yourself into situations this may happen after knowingly being hurt before.
I guess both could be right. Both are right. It really depends on your glass is half full to glass is half empty attitude. Maybe the glass just ‘is’.
Anyway… The reason we were dicussing this was to do with my discussion with my psych during the week. When she asked me about things I am finding problematic this cycle, I mentioned to her that I am actually finding “people” one of my greatest issues.
How do I explain this? Let me see…
One week in 3 I feel sick. The best way I can explain it is imagine your worst ever flu, times it by 5 and that is how you feel post chemo. So, naturally that week I don’t feel much like company, like eating… like anything really. And yeah, I get emotional in that week. Every one does when they are sick. As it was explained to me, we revert back to our child like selves when sick because we want to be looked after. Who demands the most attention?
So, effectively that gives me 2 weeks of feeling amazing. Tired… But amazing… So why is it that people feel I still need to be either:
- Wrapped in cotton wool
Anyway… I have felt a lot lately like a lot of the people I once felt close to I have drifted from in this time. Or maybe, I should say, they have drifted from me. People I felt were my confidants, my friends and people I felt would have my back all the way.
It was suggested to me (Not by my psych but by a good friend) maybe they don’t know “what to say” or feel “confronted by the idea or mortality”… The latter I guess I can totally understand but the former not so much. I am fairly open about this process and always have been and, honestly, those who have stood by me and walked with me through this will tell you I laugh and joke about it ALL the time.
My psych said to me “There is nothing you can do about people carrying baggage” … She’s right, and I won’t even try.
So, today when discussing self preservation, I said to Kelly “This process has shown me who I should and shouldn’t devote my time to or put my back out for” … Now this sounds snooty and angry and disgusted… Actually, it is quite to the contrary. I am feeling quite at peace with the situation. Sure I am disappointed but it actually has a lot of positivity to it. It has made me see the gems from the glass… So to speak. The ones who walked with me unconditionally.
Those who have know I don’t need you to cook for me… or to clean my house… I don’t need you to do my laundry or to run me around town. I don’t need you to buy me flowers and chocolates or to stop at my house every day… I don’t need you to give me space or even to help with my pain relief (This is an ‘in’ joke especially from my brother-in-law and sister-in-law hahahahahahaha)
All I needed is a call, a text or a facebook message even saying “Hey, HOW ARE YOU?” … Doesn’t take much.
Kelly and I are still the same people.
I still love laughing and I am so glad to have a husband who laughs a lot with me. And the handful of friends who are right there laughing with me.
When this journey is over (Well it will never be ‘over’, but this part of it) … And boy it is almost there… I can walk away knowing the universe has shown me how to ‘self preserve’ … As in not run myself into the ground for masses but rather give me time to a few who were there for me too…
I am actually very fortunate in many ways
Except for the fact my eyebrows have now gone MIA! I can deal with all the other hair loss but that is just not cricket!!!