These are the days that less commonly I write about. These are the days that hurt. These are the days I don’t feel so great, I am not so happy, I am not so strong and ‘inpirational’. It’s days like today I want to keep smiling and saying how much I am pushing through this and doing ok. Unfortunately, today I am not so great.
Day 3 rolls around and it hurts. Oh boy it hurts more than you could ever understand. I know I probably wrote this last time but I have to be honest on my journey.
You have chemo, then the first 2 days after you pretty much just feel tired. You just want to sleep. Also, you feel slightly sickly. Nothing that you can’t handle. Then day 3 rocks up and it all turns.
Last night I sobbed myself to sleep. The pain in unbearable. Your legs, your knees, your shins, your finger joints, your shoulders. Everything feels like it is going to shatter.
How can it be the thing that is supposed to be helping to heal you can make you feel so much worse? Even time I walk I feel like my whole body is broken.
I go into the bathroom to wash my crying face only to cry more at this bald stranger standing in front of me. Who is this monster? Who is this person standing there?
I lay in bed, in this torture, wondering ‘Why me?’ … Then I lay and wonder ‘Why not me?’.
You know there are so many people in far worse situations than yourself. Like when I went in for my treatment and there were patients in there who had to be in every day getting dosed up. I tried to make them laugh. They did. The nurses told me I was a great energy to have around.
I just wish I was like this today.
Tell me how to feel? Do I be thankful? I am. I am. I am. Do I be heartbroken? I am. I am. I am.
Last night Kelly held me as I sobbed thinking about how I still have four more times I have to go through this.
What if the cancer comes back? What if I have to do more? Please can I be ok. Please don’t let this happen again. Please let me move on with life.
I want my hair back, I want my body to feel normal. I want to be strong for everyone, every minute of every single day through this.
I hope I haven’t let you down. I’m so sorry.