Ok everybody… Join the conga line… Whoever goes second can dinky ride on a gopher! (I am a little sore… Ok… A LOT of sore… as usual post treatment so I will go cheats method of movement! hehehe )

Now by Gopher I don’t mean this:

Oh So Cute And Fluffy!!! (But I Don’t Want To Break His Back!)

I mean this:

 YEAH BITCHESSSSSS!!! Let’s Do This!!!

Anyway… Why the conga line?

I AM OVER THE HUMP!!! OVER HALF WAY THROUGH TREATMENT!!! HOORAH!!!

Happy Girl Yesterday In Treatment Number 3… Yes I Look Sickly (Hello, Chemo People!!!) And I Am Donning The Wig (My Head Gets SO Cold! This Provides Warmth) But Trust Me, I Am Stoked!!!

Yeah so it’s the usual… I am sore and sickly and tired etc etc etc… But things are so much easier to deal with when I have structure. I am good and cope so much better when there is a definate plan and I can work around it. I know what to expect, when to expect it and this is good with me. For those who love me, stay away in the first 7 days if you don’t want to see the Jeckyll and Hyde efffect
Ok so maybe it isn’t quite so bad… I just have minimal mobility Plus, the wig seldom makes an appearance…

This week I was rather amused at something new I learnt. Everybody told me Chemo would make me lose a lot of weight!!! RUBBISH! My dietician wanted me to put it on because you need to burn it off… I went to my Oncologist this week and have put on 3 kilos in a month! My jeans are tight… Bah humbug!!! I told her my concerns and she said to me…
“Honey, I think now is the time to break it to you… There are steroids in your anti-nausea medications… Steroids create both hunger and water retention… You were ALWAYS going to put on weight!!!… It will drop off as soon as treatment is over!”

God I hope so!!! Oddly I am still about 10 kilos smaller than I was through high school and the majority of my 20′s but bigger than I have been in the last 5 ish years…

At this point I chuckled. Steroids you say??? Interesting… I started to get images of steroid taking beef cakes… Then started to picture myself like this:

Well I Do Have A Nice Complexion

Could I use this to my advantage? To live out my dreams of a female body builder? To blend in with a big chunk of ham at Christmas time? My my family, my children so proud to see me flexing about, bald and wearing a Borat inspired costume? Hey, get cancer and go on one of those big “life altering cliched rampage” post treatment?
*grin*

Oh I kid! Instead the reality hit that I am more like this:

Does My Bum Look Big?

Ok so maybe this is an exaggeration ever so slightly… But this is the general area all the weight is going. HEY! Aren’t they in vogue right now? Between Kim and Coco, I would be stellar in the popularity!

On a more serious note, one of my favourite days is going in for treatment. I love being able to sit in a room with people just like me and comparing notes. I have soon learnt from others on what is important in life and how to make every day count. I love the positivity that fills a room full of people where hope seems to be the bleakest. I come back and I read Facebook and the trials a tribulations of those I know. 50% of me thinks that life goes on and it is all relative. 50% of me shakes my head and wonders how different people would be sitting in a room with these incredible and amazing people who inspire me every time I am there.

Men and women older than me and one case much younger than me, a teenager in fact, who continuously amaze me. We laugh about the bald heads, the older men about there new sets of dentures, the women who look to me and say “You are so brave to shave your head, we are letting our just drop bit by bit” … I don’t think it is brave, I was in pain and it helped Plus I am aero-dynamic!!!

We joke about needles, and yesterday I was one of two emergency cases. The needle broke in my hand and my hand filled up with chemo fluid causing it to swell like, well my arse at the moment The nurses and Drs were mortified and apologetic. I was amused and took the mickey out of the situation. I said to the Dr how he should never have listened to me when I demanded they put the needle in my left hand. I also joked at how problematic going to the toilet would be as well as my ability to float around the room like a helium balloon.

Well Hello Fat Balloon Hand…

The bottom line is, why let these things get me down? The process is crappy enough so laughing it out seems the only real solution. I love to laugh, and I love to make others laugh. Particularly those in real dire and grim situations.

What I would like you to carry away from this post is think about the things that stress you, then think about what it would mean to be in the situation these beautiful people are in (I exclude myself from this because I am comfotable dealing with what I have and doing what I can to get by). Then re-evaluate your stresses. You do not have to endure the gruelling pain these people are in, yet they laugh, they joke and they smile.

I think one of the best lines of all time comes from the movie Philladelphia which I often think of through this process:

“I’m not guilty, I’m not innocent, I am just trying to survive”

Bravo. So true.

Pain is merely pain, lack of sleep is merely lack of sleep, a cold is just a cold, a big bill is just a big bill, work is merely work… And whilst each thing can be horrible and a real big downer in your life… Take a deep breath, count to 10 and know that there are people out there battling in a way you could not comprehend until you do it.

I could be mad and angry about going through this… And there are times I definately feel that way (Most of the time privately with my family) and resentful… But on the whole I am so thankful to be going through this because the lessons it is teaching me, the compassion, the patience and the forgiveness of both people and life has made me a much stronger person. I have gotten to know some incredible people, some amazing and inspiring individuals and this I will NEVER forget.

Plus I would rather this be me than any of those I love… I would rather take it for the team

Love you all… xoxo

So guess what? As of Tuesday I will be half way through my treatment! I can not begin to explain how happy I am about this. I mean, the thought of another three more after that is daunting. That means 3 weeks more of being ill… YUCK!
Half way through! Wow! I can’t believe it.

It has been ages since I last posted on here. (And by ages, I am talking around 3 weeks) … I thought I better do something. I guess I have just found it hard to articulate what I want to.

I saw my psych again this week (For those not in the know, I have to see one as a part of this process to make sure I am coping ok etc etc etc) … She said to me this week she actually thinks I am coping better than most others… That I am very level headed and grounded. HA! Read it and weep doubters!

One of the things I discussed with her is how I believe it is others around me who I feel are not “coping” so well. This conversation carried on today between Kelly and myself.

We started to talk about the idea of “self preservation” … Kelly’s and my definition varied. Kelly believes that self preservation is to not stress on events that otherwise could upset you… So in other words, you shouldn’t have to stop being who you are just because people are not going to respond in the way you think they are.

I, however, believe that “self preservation” is to protect yourself from being hurt or made to be uncomfortable or generally protect yourself from anything that may negatively impact your life, alas, you do not put yourself into situations this may happen after knowingly being hurt before.

I guess both could be right. Both are right. It really depends on your glass is half full to glass is half empty attitude. Maybe the glass just ‘is’.

Anyway… The reason we were dicussing this was to do with my discussion with my psych during the week. When she asked me about things I am finding problematic this cycle, I mentioned to her that I am actually finding “people” one of my greatest issues.

How do I explain this? Let me see…

One week in 3 I feel sick. The best way I can explain it is imagine your worst ever flu, times it by 5 and that is how you feel post chemo. So, naturally that week I don’t feel much like company, like eating… like anything really. And yeah, I get emotional in that week. Every one does when they are sick. As it was explained to me, we revert back to our child like selves when sick because we want to be looked after. Who demands the most attention?

I digress…

So, effectively that gives me 2 weeks of feeling amazing. Tired… But amazing… So why is it that people feel I still need to be either:

1. Avoided
2. Wrapped in cotton wool

Anyway… I have felt a lot lately like a lot of the people I once felt close to I have drifted from in this time. Or maybe, I should say, they have drifted from me. People I felt were my confidants, my friends and people I felt would have my back all the way.

It was suggested to me (Not by my psych but by a good friend) maybe they don’t know “what to say” or feel “confronted by the idea or mortality”… The latter I guess I can totally understand but the former not so much. I am fairly open about this process and always have been and, honestly, those who have stood by me and walked with me through this will tell you I laugh and joke about it ALL the time.

My psych said to me “There is nothing you can do about people carrying baggage” … She’s right, and I won’t even try.

So, today when discussing self preservation, I said to Kelly “This process has shown me who I should and shouldn’t devote my time to or put my back out for” … Now this sounds snooty and angry and disgusted… Actually, it is quite to the contrary. I am feeling quite at peace with the situation. Sure I am disappointed but it actually has a lot of positivity to it. It has made me see the gems from the glass… So to speak. The ones who walked with me unconditionally.

Those who have know I don’t need you to cook for me… or to clean my house… I don’t need you to do my laundry or to run me around town. I don’t need you to buy me flowers and chocolates or to stop at my house every day… I don’t need you to give me space or even to help with my pain relief (This is an ‘in’ joke especially from my brother-in-law and sister-in-law hahahahahahaha)

Ouch!!!

All I needed is a call, a text or a facebook message even saying “Hey, HOW ARE YOU?” … Doesn’t take much.

Kelly and I are still the same people.

I still love laughing and I am so glad to have a husband who laughs a lot with me. And the handful of friends who are right there laughing with me.

When this journey is over (Well it will never be ‘over’, but this part of it) … And boy it is almost there… I can walk away knowing the universe has shown me how to ‘self preserve’ … As in not run myself into the ground for masses but rather give me time to a few who were there for me too…

I am actually very fortunate in many ways

Except for the fact my eyebrows have now gone MIA! I can deal with all the other hair loss but that is just not cricket!!!

Oh I Feel Your Pain!!!

Dear Diary,

These are the days that less commonly I write about. These are the days that hurt. These are the days I don’t feel so great, I am not so happy, I am not so strong and ‘inpirational’. It’s days like today I want to keep smiling and saying how much I am pushing through this and doing ok. Unfortunately, today I am not so great.

Day 3 rolls around and it hurts. Oh boy it hurts more than you could ever understand. I know I probably wrote this last time but I have to be honest on my journey.

You have chemo, then the first 2 days after you pretty much just feel tired. You just want to sleep. Also, you feel slightly sickly. Nothing that you can’t handle. Then day 3 rocks up and it all turns.

Last night I sobbed myself to sleep. The pain in unbearable. Your legs, your knees, your shins, your finger joints, your shoulders. Everything feels like it is going to shatter.

How can it be the thing that is supposed to be helping to heal you can make you feel so much worse? Even time I walk I feel like my whole body is broken.

I go into the bathroom to wash my crying face only to cry more at this bald stranger standing in front of me. Who is this monster? Who is this person standing there?

I lay in bed, in this torture, wondering ‘Why me?’ … Then I lay and wonder ‘Why not me?’.

You know there are so many people in far worse situations than yourself. Like when I went in for my treatment and there were patients in there who had to be in every day getting dosed up. I tried to make them laugh. They did. The nurses told me I was a great energy to have around.

I just wish I was like this today.

Tell me how to feel? Do I be thankful? I am. I am. I am. Do I be heartbroken? I am. I am. I am.

Last night Kelly held me as I sobbed thinking about how I still have four more times I have to go through this.

What if the cancer comes back? What if I have to do more? Please can I be ok. Please don’t let this happen again. Please let me move on with life.

I want my hair back, I want my body to feel normal. I want to be strong for everyone, every minute of every single day through this.

I hope I haven’t let you down. I’m so sorry.

Leanne.

End Of June… End Of June… End Of June… End Of June…

So we have returned from our trip away… An angel, an anonymous one, gave us this trip away with only the explanation “Because you need it” … We really did.

This week, I started to lose my hair. People were trying to be optimistic it wouldn’t happen… However, given that my chemo treatments take 7 hours to put in which is one of the longest, I knew it would.

When it first happened last Monday, I was a wreck! I didn’t think I could possibly feel that way… I was devastated. Thankfully, Gretchen was only 5 minutes from coming over. She was greeted at the door by a sobbing me. Much to my enjoyment, she took the piss out of me. It was EXACTLY what I needed. Being the big girly pants I am, I called my Mum and she came over. She did the nuturing, Gretchen did the piss taking, it was the PERFECT duo. Mum even congratulated Gretchen at one point.

We all had agreed to go and lop my hair off. Once we got the the hairdressers, my hairdresser, the poor love was mortified at having to get rid of all my hair so agreed to cut it into a pixie cut. This worked well as Kelly couldn’t escape work and wanted to be with me when it all went. So it was agreed he would do the final job.

$50 later, I walked out with a hair cut that would last me less than a week.

As each day went on, more and more fell out. I knew it was a matter of time. Oddly though, I became more and more comfortable with it. I think having it really cut short at the beginning of the week, to quote Gretchen in an SMS last night, “Did wonders for me psychologically”. Truth be told, it actually started to hurt. My head was so sensitive… It was like holding onto my hair was causing the pain.

I decided on Friday to take my wig out for a test drive to the shops. Oh boy did I feel paranoid…

Whilst I looked like this:

I really felt I was as noticeable as this:

Once I got back to my car, I realised it really wasn’t that bad. For those who know me and know what is happening they would know… Otherwise I was completely unnoticeable to anyone else. No big deal.

I awoke yesterday and said to Kelly “Hmmmm… I think we need to tip the cleaners” … Meanwhile we both looked at my pillow and saw piles and piles of hair. Every time Kelly, the kids or I touched it more and more came out.

I actually became rather good humoured about it.

Things I have learnt about chemo hair loss:

• It happens pretty quickly.
• It is possibly not right to invest in a puppy at this time, only one person in the house needs to be shedding.
• When they say your hair falls out, they mean ALL hair. My underarms are smoother than they have ever been and lordy lordy lord I am going to save a FORTUNE on waxing and shampoo…
• Doing impersonations of bald people is a lot of fun. Last night I thoroughly enjoyed replicating the “Nothing Compares To You” video clip and “Beds Are Burning”.
• I have an exceptionally nice shaped head. This I was not aware of.
• Applying make up is easier without a fringe or hair to worry about.
• My hair *IS* actually blonde! I have been dying it consistently since I was 15 so wouldn’t have a clue what it was like.
• Silk/Satin is your bald head’s best friend. Seriously.
• Somehow my boobs look bigger. (Disclaimer: This is not actually true but I am going to say this because it makes me feel better)
• Showering started making me ponder life and the universe. I had no hair to wash, nothing to shave… What the hell now?! Lather up, wash off and out I get! I am going to save the environment!  

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Alas, last night I was standing on the second story of the villa we stayed in and more hair was coming out. Kelly looked up from the ground floor and said “Right, it is time” … I looked down and replied “You’re right… It needs to be done” … I then stood in thought for a minute… He asked “You ok?” I replied “Well, yes… I was just thinking it would suck to be Rapunzel right now… ‘Oooo oooo let down your hair”…..” *Pause for effect* Oh wait!!! *Pulls out a bit of hair and drops it over the edge* “There you go babe, fashion your own ladder out of it!”

Kelly started laughing and said “Ok yeah, that was funny”.

So once the kids were asleep we began removing the little hair I had left. The pain went away immediately and, although I had a small tear when I looked up to see me looking like Angry Anderson, I then started taking the piss out of the situation (Much like Gretchen ) and we were relieved it was over with.

This morning we showed the kids who both laughed and then Miss said “Well, you do NOT look freaky at all Mum… Just funny!”

Then cementing his title as the ‘World’s Greatest Husband’ Kelly said to me after I had put my wig on “Babe, I actually prefer you without the wig and just the bald head” … I said “Bullshit! You are just saying that to make me feel better” …

*Drum roll for his response*

“No, no I don’t. I really do prefer the bald head. The wig isn’t the real you. I love the real you”…

I think my heart exploded in that moment.

I have decided to do a progressive head shot. I am still very coy about the whole process and reluctant to show anyone what I look like. At the same time, I want to own this and not play victim.

So I am going to replicate this shot all the way until my hair grows back to it’s original length… Kind of like a 2 year project.

So… For you, I will own it. I will show it.

We Did The Photo Like This Because It Is Real. It Is Me, My Flesh, My Body, Me.