I have my head up a little this morning. So I thought I would write a little.
I don’t think you could ever comprehend how Chemotherapy feels. I don’t think, until you do it, you will ever feel how hard it is. This is just the beginning.
You may not agree with it, you may not approve that it is needed, you may think that chemo is a no guarantee way to make the Drs feel better. Let me tell you something, I can’t imagine anyone in the world wishing to do this on someone just to cover their arses.
I may sound stern, or tough or grumpy. Maybe a little?
I have heard a lot of talk recently and seen a lot of articles on whether or not chemo is necessary. Trust me, if I had utter faith, I would not do this. I do think of my two kids and any kind of thing that may give me some hope of having a longer and healthy life, I am going to do.
On the day, I was put in a room with 4 spots. As each hour passed, I got a new ‘roomie’… 4 old men. Yep. Not one woman in the room with me. 4 old men. I suppose on the plus side they were all pretty quiet and just minded their own business. I could tell they felt sorry for me. Why? They are going through it too. They would smile, wink and say “You’ll be right love!” … I cried.
It was a long day. 10 minutes to get the drip in, 15 minutes to inject anti-nausea medication, 30 minutes to let it get into the system, 5 hours 45 minutes to do chemo round one, 10 minutes to flush system again, 45 minutes to put in chemo round 2. It was a long day.
I found comfort in taking in my laptop and watching movies all day. Funny, I usually like talkative company but I just wanted to zone away into my movies. Kelly was amazing. He brought in his laptop too and worked and read and just sat quietly touching my leg and so on. He and the nurses hugged me as I cried. How is it that these people years beyond me were being so strong? And yet, I was crying.
Still, the process itself, though long, was not that awful. I felt tired immediately. I came home and slept for what felt for days. The next day when I woke I felt great. I thought to myself “If this is it then this will be a piece of cake”… I was SO wrong.
A friend of ours warned us Day 3 would be the worst. It was. It really was. When I woke on Friday (Chemo injected Wednesday) I felt sore. My whole body felt sore. As the day went on it became almost unbearable. I felt sick and everytime I tried to eat I had no taste in my food. I kept asking Kelly “Is this off?” … Alas, everything tasted normal to him.
I started to feel more sickly and gross. Yesterday I woke up and it was the worst. Day three for sure. Everytime I took a step it felt like my bones were shattering. Everytime I smelt food I wanted to be sick. Everytime I moved I felt pain like you would never understand.
I sobbed and sobbed until I fell asleep on Kelly’s lap. To make it worse, he had to attend a work launch last night. The thought of him leaving me left me terrified. My comfort zone.
Thankfully Stevie-Rae, who is one of my most favourite people in the world, came over to look after me and the kids. She got my drinks, heated my heat packs, got me any food I needed… You name it, she was on call. She made me laugh too which was no easy thing. Especially singing songs about Oompa Lumpas.
All I can do is ride this wave.
1 down, 5 to go. June 27th is my estimated finishing date. My hair hasn’t gone yet, so that will be the next big milestone. And hopefully on the next one I can seek more effective pain relief from my Oncologist.
I know it could be worse, I also know it could be better.
I love my kids and my husband more than anything in the world, and they are what keep me going. I will endure this to give me the best chance possible to have a long life with them.
I can not stress enough to the people who have been there for Kelly and I, it will NOT be forgotten and I will always make sure I am there for you.
I am really learning who is and isn’t worth my time.
If you ever know someone who is going through this, my best advice is to put a hand on the shoulder and say “I am here”… It is that easy. Make your actual voice heard. I don’t believe in karma, I believe in do to others how you would like to have done to you.
To anyone else who is going through this or has been through this, I have a massive respect for you. It is shit and hard and this is only the beginning. So much love to all of you. So so so much love.