What is your definition of ‘brave’ or ‘inspirational’? These are words I have heard a lot lately and it got me to thinking about what or, better yet, WHO fits these terms the most?

Let’s take celebrities… Elton John, I am told, each year hosts a fundraiser each awards season for mutual celeb friends. Generally he raises a couple of hundred thousand dollars. That’s amazing. Some may say “inspirational”… However, I often wonder if people know that it costs him an average of 1.2 million dollars to put the event on. My thought? Why not outwardly donate that 1.2 million instead of hosting it in the first place? Now THAT, would be inspirational.

Truth be told, and as ridiculous as this may sound, I always thought to be ‘brave’ you needed to be a superhero! Think about it? When you are a kid you are surrounded by icons like Superman, Batman, He-Man (Ok, so much not so much today but when I was a kid). I remember watching Christopher Reeve standing, puff chested in his spandex and thinking “Wow, he is brave!” Of course! He fights ‘baddies’ …

Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane?… No! It Is Someone Really Really Really BRAVE!

Then there is the whole ‘Inspirational’ thing. Now admittedly, I enjoy sport. I enjoy watching and being a part of the atmosphere. In my teens, I loved playing. I don’t mean to insult sporting ‘people’ but to hear them being called ‘inspirational’, I had to wonder why? Why are they inspirational?

Where am I going with this? Lately I have had a number of people tell me they think I am brave and inspirational. I have to be honest, that didn’t sit right with me. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t insult me, rather, embarrassed me. I thought “Honestly? I am neither of the above!”
I had to ask one or two of the closer people to me why they said that? The response was much the same. It came down to how I was dealing with things, doing that newspaper interview and getting the word out to other young women to be mindful etc.

I still didn’t feel it was enough to make me ‘brave’ or ‘inspirational’.

I mean, if I was to apply my childhood logic of what was ‘brave’ then I DEFINATELY wouldn’t be classed that way! I don’t think I have ever worn my knickers on the outside! (Or*HAVE* I? ) And BELIEVE me, I do NOT look good in spandex!!! (Unless it was tight enough to push all my stomach and butt fat up to my boobs and make them the size that even Wonder Woman would be jealous! )

 ‘Well HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOO Ladies!’ That Is One Nice Arse! I Mean Rack, I mean… WHATEVER!

If you have stopped staring at my dream breasts, you will now bring back your attention to here

Brave and inspirational. Those, in reality, are BIG words with BIG meaning and yes, I feel, BIG responsibility. Do I think I am brave? Do I think I am inspirational? Ummmm… I don’t know… I guess not?

See the thing is I think I am like anybody else, except for the fact I have an illness that needs treating. I don’t think that makes me brave. I wish you could all see me in those moments I am curled into a ball at home, crying my eyes out and sucking my thumb like a baby! (Ok, this may be an over-dramatisation). Honestly though, I have moments where all I want to do is sob. Today, I am going to admit, was one of those days. I held it, held it, held it and then went to see my psych and burst into tears. I waffled through a list of what was upsetting me and why. This is largely due to me starting chemo on Wednesday. There is no more putting it off, there is no more denying it, it is starting. I *HAVE* to do this.

After talking with her for a while it came to light that what upsets me the most is not being able to do all of my own things. Knowing I have to ask for help, knowing I can’t do my life, on my own, my way. I have lived out of home since I was 18 and have never looked back and, as a result, am very independent. My parents raised me right. I like not only taking care of me, but taking care of my family and anyone else I can. I like my own space, my own time and, well, being a control freak to a degree and sorting things out on my own.

The whole idea that for the next 20 weeks my whole world will change, both physically and otherwise, is really unsettling for me. It makes me sad.

Then once I AM sad, I think that is NOT brave. It is NOT inspirational. It makes me weak because then I cry. Crying is weak no?

The odd thing is, if I see others cry I don’t think it is weak, I think it is HUMAN!

After a while of talking and going through things she said to me “Leanne, you are coping brilliantly” and instantly I said “I know” … Without thought or reservation. Then shocked myself when I realised what I said.

The truth is, I am feeling sad. I am also feeling brave… SOME DAYS and others not. The link is that brave doesn’t necessarily mean ‘heroic’ (Like superman). It is ok to be brave and to feel brave and for others to say that.

Truthfully, I am in a situation that I can’t control and have no choice but to deal with it the way it needs dealing with. If I want to cry, I can cry. I need to have more faith in people that they are OK with me crying. And that them seeing me cry doesn’t mean they will think I am any less ‘brave’ or ‘inspirational’.

Now if I cried over not having Wonder Woman boobs or Ivanka Trump’s bank account then maybe I would seem, well a tad on the pathetic side.
Then again, aren’t they the devastations of the day to day?
I know I would console a friend who felt that way

 Let’s Finish On A High Note…