Hi All,

I am still in a fair amount of pain from this op. It hurts. This one I am finding harder to recover from than the last. Probably becayse they removed so much more and had to get in deeper. My Dad also informed me that they had to blow me up like a balloon to get the cameras in (He used to be a nurse)… So I still kind of feel like one.

In terms of my imediate post operative recovery, I felt a lot better this time. However, there were no surprises there after finding out what happened last time. Before they wheeled me in the Aneasatist said to me “Hmmm, why is the an ECG here?” … I said “No idea!” … “Well it is dated November ’11, the time of your last op” … I was trying for the life of me to remember but the whole thing was so hazy. I took days to wake last time and felt hideous. I also barely remembered talking to the Doctor. So, this team I had this time did a little more digging and found out that the last Aneasatist gave me a huge amount of morphine in the last op (Which I am allergic to) and my heart stopped for a while. Hence the ECG. That is scary shit. It also explains why it took me so long to recover last time. They sent me home within a couple of hours of the op last time too! That is so scary to think of! Imagine!

Thankfully this time my team was a lot more switched on and didn’t give me a drop of morphine. I awoke within an hour or so and was much more alert. I stayed in hospital overnight and was watched every couple of hours. My blood pressure was low for a while but nothing too scary. They wanted to keep me in longer for pain management but they also understood being home was a good place to be.

As I said, I am still in pain now… It definately hurts a lot more this time and I have a lot more puncture wounds on my belly (I also look about 30 kilos heavier from swelling) but my head is in a better space.

Having to have a root canal too sucked. Cried a lot then because it just all felt a bit much! Everything piling on top. At this point we had also told little Miss about what’s going on. She was actually really good about it. Scared but good.

However, I don’t think any Christmas would be complete without some form of miracle right? I certainly don’t want to bring anyone down any more. Alas… For the positives.

Yesterday afternoon Kelly and I got a phone call from my surgeon. We knew as soon as the phone rang it was her so put it straight onto speaker. They told us we wouldn’t hear from them until today. So admittedly out hearts were out of our chests.

She went on to say….

“Go to Tassie, enjoy your trip. Your biopsy results came back clear!”

Clear people! Clear! Meaning the cancer hasn’t spread! I still need to have a small dose of Chemo next month but this is great news as it was just within the ovary. Which gives Kelly and I a higher chance of having a baby together and a great chance of a full recovery. The baby will still be difficult so we are seeing fetility specialists the week we get back from our trip but the most important thing is my survival!

It is the BEST news we could have got before Christmas.

We told a few immediate people yesterday but otherwise we took time to ourselves, to let it sink in. To let it settle and digest. I fell asleep around 7:30pm last night as I finally felt tired. Kelly said it was all the relief.

So Merry Christmas everyone. We certainly have a better shot at one now. And though we still have a road ahead with the Chemo and Little Man, it is certainly looking a lot more brighter a road to travel on.

With Love xoxoxoxoxox

ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS…

I am scared, terrified, sad. Today is the ‘big’ day. The day we find out exactly what we are dealing with. Or at least, the Drs will get a better look. I spent a chunk of yesterday sobbing and didn’t sleep last night for much the same reason. To make it worse, I have now developed the most excruciating tooth ache I have ever had and can’t see a Dentist until after today… Agony central.
It is horrible this process. The last two days I have been mad. Angry. Surely we’ve had our share of things?

I never thought I would spend the first part of my marriage and my 30th year doing this.

Please read the above image… It says so much… Be alert, be aware and never take your body for granted. Sure what I am going through now is horrible, but not knowing would be far worse.

Please pray for me today… Pray for my family.

Much love xoxoxo

So we saw the Oncologist on Thursday in case you missed it.

I am going to run through it quickly as I can as I can’t be arsed typing.

Positives:

• We are now meeting with Oncology Fertility Specialists who are going to do what they can to preserve my reproductive system and the fertility that goes with it during chemo. They will also consult on IUI/IVF and such in the future. Our chances of having a baby have gone from 0% to at least 5%…

• They are *trying* to avoid a hysterectomy for the moment.

• Our oncology specialists are amazing and really trying to do everything as quickly as possible.

• My oncology registrar reminds me a great deal of my friend Jo-Ann… Almost like a doppleganger. Somehow it is oddly comforting as it is almost like Jo-Ann is holding my hand in the room… Bizarre huh?

• My oncology HOD wears a very loud shirt which strangely makes him rather more approachable. Plus he is nice and educated and kept saying “Leanne, you are quite fortuitous!” … If I had a dollar for every time I would have at least 10 bucks.

• On most days I take the piss out of the situation. If I didn’t, I would curl up in a ball and sob my heart out (Ok so I have done that too!… All in moderation… Like a good recipe “1 part laughter, 2 parts sorrow = a balanced cancer patient)

• A special diet means I am losing a bit of weight. Considering I have put on 10 kilos in the last year, this isn’t really a bad thing.

• I am really starting to realise who my most real and genuine friends are. People who are out and willing to support me and my family every step of the way. I am not holding it against anyone other wise, it is just making me appreciate and be aware of who comes through for you in crisis situations. 

• Lastly, the CT scans and XRAYS and Bloods have all come back clear in the last couple of days. So hopefully there isn’t anything they have missed.

• They are trying to make sure Kelly and I still are able to get to Tasmania for New Years.

• My prognosis is still, at this stage, excellent and sitting on 90% plus survival…

  I also want to give a BIG shout out to Kelly’s work. They have been phenomenally supportive of us both and allowed Kelly to be there for me every step of the way. It has been really hard and to have them back him up and support him has made one thing less stressful. Much love to you all xoxo

 Negatives:

• I am back in for surgery this Monday. YES! As in the Monday right before Christmas. They are removing my left fallopian tube, a section of my bowel (This is being done just for testing purposes and not because they believe cancer is present) and general internal scanning. They are also now going to stage the cancer. It is a Grade 1, we know this, but they need to see if it is 1A, B, C etc etc etc… They will also biopsy some of my lymph nodes.

• They need to do this surgery to be SURE there is NOTHING they have missed. Ordinarily they would have done all of this in the initial operation but because they weren’t expecting me to be cancerous in the first place they didn’t.

• They have now spotted a cyst on my right ovary. Presently it does not look suspicious but they are going to biopsy it to be on the safe side. More vigilance this time round.

• I HAVE to have chemo. No ifs ands or buts. This is in large part due to the fact there was a minor rupture when removing my left ovary (The cancerous one). They need to give me some courses to kill off any potential threat that may have come into contact with any other organ etc.

• The worst bit… As a result of the chemo I at NO stage will be able to visit my little man in hospital or be near him during his operation. He is due to be in hospital for 2 months so other than SKYPE I can not see him. This kills both Kelly and I. We are gutted. I can’t be there for him when he needs me the most. I am so thankfully he is Kelly’s little shadow as at least Daddy will be there with him.

  I do worry about Kelly and Missy also as they will be back and forth between us both.  

• I also won’t be able to go and see my new niece/nephew who is due in January.

• On the same tangent as figuring out who my friends are, I am starting to see who else is using me to up their status symbol. Also those who are too afraid to talk to me about it. Honestly people, as I have said before, there isn’t really ANYTHING that can upset me anymore than what the whole situation already has. Sheesh!

So I did end up writing a lot…

Every hour I change how I am feeling. I have moments I cry, moments I laugh… And this weekend is hard as I am now on a low fibre diet and from tomorrow a liquid only diet. I miss my brother and sister-in-law and Rach and Steven who are all away at the moment. However, I am TRYING my hardest to laugh as much as possible and take each day as it comes. There are moments I am bitter it is happening, and moments I am ready to fight the world. There are moments I want to curl into a ball, and moments I want to sing and dance. Cancer = split personality at times.

Anyway, that’s it for today.

Me xoxoxoxoxo

From A Friend.

Read the link above ^

Thank you so much my friend xoxox

I know I should have written more by now (As Kelly reminds me), but I honestly haven’t felt like it. I still don’t know what to say really. I saw one of the Mums at school yesterday who said she hadn’t said/asked much as she didn’t want to upset me. Totally understandable, but don’t worry, I am pretty tough and not a lot will. If you have questions, you can ask… I would prefer that you did. That way there are no guesses or assumptions. Plus sometimes talking about it helps.

Tomorrow is my Oncology appointment. I am scared, nervous, worried, paniced about it etc… I keep thinking “They are going to say they made a mistake and it is A LOT worse than first thought” …. Nothing like the power of positive thinking hey? I actually physically feel ok, it is more the emotions that are still rollercoaster -ing (Yes, it is a word). I’ve been sleeping lots which is something I don’t often do, and I have been trying to keep busy. I have also changed my diet and have been exercising everyday. Not that I think it will make a HUGE difference but it will to my state of mind I suppose?

On that note, I wanted to do a more pleasant post for the moment…

I know I have said this before but honestly, I really need to stress how much I mean it. I have the BEST husband in the world (In my opinion). He has been the most INCREDIBLE and SUPPORTIVE man I have ever known. In spite of everything he has been through (Refer to previous posts), he is the most incredible father to the babies. He kicks the arse of a certain someone else. To everyone, to me, to him, HE is their Dad. Little man cries for him, asks for him, waits for him to walk through the door. The other day it was stormy and little man said to me “Mummy, you need to phone Daddy now to tell him to come home now. It’s a storm and he needs to come home now!”
And little Miss jumps on his lap and gives him a big cuddle. She has taken to calling him “Daddy-O” of recent then laughing her head off about it. He is so involved in their lives, their well being, everything. He also came to Little Man’s Kindy graduation last week, he was at princess’ Christmas concert yesterday smiling and cheering her on.

Even more, I had a meeting with the school principal recently to organise Mini Man’s aid time for school next year (He needs an aid for medical purposes). I was going to go alone and as I waited in the office I turned around to see him walking up the path to the office. He came to help organise all of his medical matters.

He is always doing stuff around the house, he always makes sure all of us are doing ok. He tucks the kids in at night, he phones during his lunch break to see if we are all doing ok.

He loves his new job, he loves the staff, loves the people and it is SO great for once to see him so settled and enjoying his work. I guess he feels like he finally fits in somewhere and he is finding the projects at work interesting. I know here at home he is researching and always thinking of ways to improve work and the best options to go with for their offices.

But the one thing I want to mention was the other day he did, which was to me, THE MOST romantic thing ever (Almost comparative to my Empire State Building/Tiffany’s Ring proposal) … I, as expected, was having a really hard day. Just very upset and emotional. I was in the kitchen sorting out dinner and generally pottering around when he came up to me with his iPod. He put the earphones on me and said “I wanted this at our wedding but couldn’t find it at the time… This is us, me and you” and played me this song:

Dance With You- Live

Then we started slow dancing, holding each other in the kitchen. I bawled me eyes out on his shoulder. The babies stood next to us smiling and patting my back.

It was truly one of the best moments I have ever had. Someone who loves me that much.

He has been a rock through this hard time. I know it has been hard on him and he is hurting too. I know he is trying to keep it together for everyone. He has been there 100% of the way and he will be there with me tomorrow too. Even when they told us the course, he said to the surgeon “I just want my girl and I love Miss and Mini Man very much”

If I don’t say it enough, and I know I say it a lot, but I love you Kelly. SO much. You are the BEST thing to happen to us. You are the most kind, compassionate, caring and sweet man in the world and I am so thankful for you. Thank you for being the wonderful you. I can not believe you weren’t snapped up sooner. You know, that worked out BRILLIANTLY for me… I never believed in soul mates until you.

This journey is easier to face with you by my side.