I’ve debated writing this or not. I’ve had 100000000 thoughts running through my mind. Truth is I needed to put it on “paper” maybe as a means or realising the reality of it all.
I have ovarian cancer.
Yesterday two of my besties came over in the morning. It was meant to be a simple farewell thing as one is going to Europe until after Christmas this week. Chantelle had to leave at 11am. About 3 minutes after she had left the phone rang. When I picked up I heard a voice “Hi Leanne, this is Dr **** from ************ hospital”. As soon as she introduced herself my stomach sank and I knew what she was ringing to tell me. She said “I am just ringing to say we have moved your appointment from the 20th of January to next Friday. I didn’t want you to panic when you saw the paperwork arrive” … I followed with “Now you and I both know that you wouldn’t move my appointment unless there was a problem, so please in the name of keeping me sane for the next week, tell me what is going on” … She said “I don’t like doing this over the phone” I said “Well, I understand that but I think we both know that I know what you are going to tell me”.
Her reply “We got your path results in this morning. They found cancer”.
I always thought that if that was me I would break down then and there. I didn’t, I remained calm the entire phone call. I knew in my heart if I broke down I wouldn’t ask the questions I needed to hear. So I asked the questions “Where to from here?” “What next?” “How bad is it?” and so on.
She was gracious, answering to the best of her abilities.
Once I hung up the phone Rachael turned to me and said “What’s happened?” I said to her “I have cancer”.
It was only then we both fell on the floor in tears. I don’t think either of us have cried so much in our lives. I called Kelly immediately who said “I’m on my way home”. He got home pretty much straight away.
I called Mum and said “Get over here”. She walked in and said “What’s happened?” I told her. She fell on the floor with me and Rachael in tears.
Kelly jumped on the floor with us, being comforting and wonderful and supportive. Even though I saw in his eyes his hurt and worry.
A few of our closest after that received phone calls to tell them. My step father immediately came over from work. My sister-in-law, brother, Dad, Chantelle (came back) and then, as soon as they could, Vanessa and Steven (Rach’s husband) got over. I was surrounded by people which is what I needed at the time. Usually I try and push people away, this time I felt I needed my friends and family around.
We haven’t told the kids. We just said that I am sick and need more tests.
Kelly said yesterday he felt like I was going through the 7 stages of grief every 10 minutes. I think that is accurate.
Do I think all doom and gloom? No. But I am not going to lie that I’ve asked myself those questions. Anyone would. I am terrified, I am angry, I can’t stop asking “Why me?” but then… Why anybody? I can’t stop apologising to Kelly and my family. I don’t know why I do that but I hate that they are in pain right now. Kelly has already lost so much, he shouldn’t have to deal with this. He said to me “Babe, they aren’t the same thing. Plus, for better for worse remember?” and then cuddles me and smothers me in kisses. I love him so much.
I can’t stop thinking about my kids too. Stupid thoughts like “Does this mean Missy is now doomed?”
People get married and have babies, they don’t get married and have cancer. Not in a perfect world.
I’ve known for a long time I wasn’t right. I fought and fought and fought to get someone to listen. I said to Drs for the last 18months that I felt I had ovarian cancer. In one way, it is a relief to know that I was right and we have found it. The Drs are shocked. I am young, I don’t smoke, I had kids young, I breastfed, I have no family history… In all reasoning, I go against the grain of the expected people.
We don’t really know much of what is going to happen from here. When we have our appointment on Friday we will find out more. The Dr seemed optimistic we have caught it early and from checking all my other associated organs last week it looked localised. However, they can’t be sure without more testing and possibly opening me up again. They haven’t made a decision on Chemo yet, something we will find out more about next week.
I am scared, depressed and yet, at times, in denial.
One thing I want to stress. Girls, women (and even men)… If you feel there is ANYTHING wrong. Even remotely something slightly off then GET IT CHECKED! I know it is scary at the thought of finding out, but it is even worse NOT finding out. Push if your body is telling you. I went through 5 doctors and 3 specialists before anyone listened to me. PUSH PUSH PUSH! And listen to your body. Don’t shrug yourself off as over reacting.
So if I retreat, am quiet, don’t post on here, don’t run around on Facebook so much… I am just trying to deal with it all.
I am hurting in a way I never knew could happen.
With Love xoxoxo