It’s funny how every day we all go through each day saying what you think people want to hear. I don’t mean this in that whole “fake and pretentious” kind of way. More in the “Sometimes it is just better to keep the conversation smooth”.
Picture this, you have a shit balls day and you go to the supermarket. Typically, you end up getting the most bubbly cashier you can imagine, something, which on your most spectacular days, seems to be missing then putting you in a crapful mood… It’s a vicious cycle.
Anyway, said cashier says to you “Hello, How are you today?” with a grin larger than Steve Tyler’s (For the young folk, lead singer of Aerosmith who has an exceptionally large smile!)
Where was I? Oh, smiling cashiers. Anyway, she asks “How are you?” and even if you are feeling like absolute crap, big dark eyes and wanting to have an episode that would make John Mcenroe proud, you still instantly turn around and say “Good thanks and you?” (Meanwhile avoiding any eye contact for fear they will see the burning flames in your eyes).
I am sure you have ALL been there.
This week I think I have mastered the art of the fake conversation.
“How are you?” – Leanne says “Yeah i’m ok” (Code for “Please just stab me in the eyes with a spoon or give me a tranquilser and I will see you next week” )
“How is Decs doing?” – Leanne says “Yeah he is good! Cheeky little mite” (Code for “Well his body hasn’t done what it has supposed to have been doing for 5 years, he can barely breathe every day and night)
“Everything will be fine”- Leanne says “Yeah I know, he’s a little fighter” (Code for little people running around in her head screaming and crying in panic and terror)
“If you need anything, just ask” – Leanne says “Thank you so much, it really means a lot” (Code for “I have no idea what to say, all I want to do is hug you and cry into your shoulder for hours on end”)
“This is the best thing for him” – Leanne says “You’re right, it absolutely is and it could be worse!” (Code for “F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck)
These are just a few.
My friend Jo said to me that my blog doesn’t always have to be funny, that is can really show other pieces of who I am. I am taking this on board. Honestly? Right now I am struggling.
So many flashbacks of the last 5 years. So many questions and what ifs? Wondering if there was anything I could have done any differently to make it better? Wondering if I ate something wrong or slept a wrong way? Wondering if I let my labour go on too long? Wondering if we had found medication for him sooner if this wouldn’t have happened? Wondering if it would have made a scrap of difference if a different nurse put in and took out the life support at birth? If if if if if if if?
I know it isn’t helping feeling like this. I just need some time to be angry and hurt and worried.
I can say this though…
This song played a lot when you were in ICU last. Today it came on in the car and I was a sobbing mess. It reminded me of the DVD I had made of your in hospital baby photos put to this song. However my boy, the words are apt. You are amazing and you can conquer the world. YOU CAN AND WILL.
Mummy will catch up… Just let her cry for you baby.