Today a blog post with a different style. I am going to steer away, just for today, from the relationship that is Kelly and myself.
Today I am going to be a little more solemn and reflective. Bear with me ok? It is just what is relevant to me now.
So, a confession of sorts…
Growing up I always felt a little bit different. I don’t mean in that whole “Wow, I am sure I have superpowers” kind of way, and I don’t even mean it in a “I like to lick windows” kind of ‘different way’. I definately don’t think of myself as a Breakfast club kind of misfit either. It is kind of hard to explain…
Anyway… I can’t really explain it but I always seemed to observe and look at people a little differently. I was always pretty sensitive… And not because I am precious. It is more because I never quite understood the injustice of people being mean, or rude.
Fast forward. I was a happy kid until I got to year 7 and my whole world changed forever more. I was picked on at school for not wearing clothes like the other girls. Whilst I was wearing Tom and Jerry t-shirts, they were wearing little black skirts and funky jackets. Hey! I was a kid! I thought it was cool. I remember sobbing to my step-mother one night about this (And I hadn’t even hit high school yet)… So she said “I have a solution”. We went into her closet and she pulled out this gorgeous, long and black skirt of hers. She also grabbed out a pair of scissors. She made me put on this skirt and she made an incision around my thighs and proceeded to cut me a short, black skirt like the other girls. When she dropped me home she showed my mother who then took to the skirt and sewed up the hemline.. It was JUST like the other girls.
Finally I felt that approval. I went to the next disco like them in my little skirt. I felt like one of them.
When I hit highschool though, the bullying got worse. I was picked on my hair, my clothes, my weight. Hell, I was picked on just for being there. For existing. I hated life so much and I would fake illness at any given oppurtunity. Then when I was in Year 11, my old primary school best friend, the most popular girl in school, took me under her wing and people stopped hassling me just for being around her. Finally a break. Unfortunately, by this point, I resented myself so much that my confidence was nil.
I left highschool and met Mr X. A guy who showed interest in me. (As I have said, I met Kelly on the same night but had zero confidence to let him know and it took a marriage and 2 kids later for us to get together… No regrets on the kids). Mr X was a bully too. (Again I will not go into it on here any further).
So, a little over 4 years ago here I was. Alone, finding my ground. Not a shred of confidence left and little self value.
(I do have a point, I will get to it)
I started uni, I met some incredible friends. My best friend Chantelle had stood by me the whole time and then I met Rachael in my worst time, and she stood by me too. I fell into theatre and met the most confident and incredible people you could imagine. By surrounding myself with those who boosted me up, helped to heal the years of being brought down.
I started dating Kelly and, I am not going to lie, it was tough at times. We were both in a dark place trying to get through. And sometimes it felt like we just made each other worse.
But then, something changed. I started performing to the public and with each show, more of me felt like I was ok. To hear a fellow cast mate say “Hey! You were SO funny out there tonight!” made my heart leap and me believe, even a little bit, that I was worth it.
Then Kelly started healing, and our relationship went from tough, to a little easier, to smooth, to almost (In my subjective point of view…) perfect.
I became a better friend, a better mother and a better me. I started to buy my own trendy clothes, I went out more, I travelled more, I went from the quiet voice at the party to the loud and out there one, I started wearing make-up, I financially looked after myself, I lost weight… I loved life.
And then, last night, it hit me. Whilst I felt awesome and confident, there are still demons inside. I am still somehow consistently seeking approval, or to be told that I am alright, ok. I tried to drink more so Kelly would think I was “cool”… I watched things on TV that I thought people thought were cool. I spoke a little louder so people wouldn’t see through to the shit scared person that I am at heart who desperately doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
I feel guilty for hurting people. I feel guilty for making choices to separate myself from those who hurt me… because I don’t want them being hurt (Despite whatever they have done to me).
And then, after chatting to Vee and Kel today about things, it occurred to me. It is ok for me to have imperfections, it is ok for me to feel sad or hurt, it is ok for me to make mistakes, it is ok for me not to be exactly like them (Yeah, I think they are quite alike in many ways). It is ok for me not to drink like a fish and like I.T. related stuff. It is ok for me to be fiery and passionate and all of those things. As Kelly has said to me “These are the reasons that I love you. Not because you are just like me, because you aren’t”…
I know this is a deep emotional type post, but a blog is to release.
I just think that even though I may be energetic or… full on? At the heart of it all is a very timid person with a lifetime of hurt who is just trying to recover and be loved. And also, learn to say no.
I don’t think I am easy work. But then, I don’t think anyone else is either. So that shall become my mantra.
With that… Yes! I love Buffy (Hooray!), No! I don’t like drinking more than 3 drinks (I think I am full on enough without booze!), I don’t like I.T. stuff (I can turn a computer on!), Yes! I do like the spotlight (But 99% of the time, only on stage!). No! I am not like you. Yes! I am ok.
I had been striving to be a little more like Vee and Kel and some other of his friends (As they are so cruisy and easy). I told this to Kelly and he said to me “Hun, if you were like us, you’d be boring… They are just that. Friends, YOU I am going to spend the rest of my life with…” Followed by “Believe what you wrote”.
It isn’t going to happen tonight or tomorrow, but I will make my best effort to be ok with me… Not just in the moment, but all the time
Love me xox