Today a blog post with a different style. I am going to steer away, just for today, from the relationship that is Kelly and myself.

Today I am going to be a little more solemn and reflective. Bear with me ok? It is just what is relevant to me now.

So, a confession of sorts…

Growing up I always felt a little bit different. I don’t mean in that whole “Wow, I am sure I have superpowers” kind of way, and I don’t even mean it in a “I like to lick windows” kind of ‘different way’. I definately don’t think of myself as a Breakfast club kind of misfit either. It is kind of hard to explain…

Ok, so I had to show Judd. Bender is amazing.

Anyway… I can’t really explain it but I always seemed to observe and look at people a little differently. I was always pretty sensitive… And not because I am precious. It is more because I never quite understood the injustice of people being mean, or rude.

Fast forward. I was a happy kid until I got to year 7 and my whole world changed forever more. I was picked on at school for not wearing clothes like the other girls. Whilst I was wearing Tom and Jerry t-shirts, they were wearing little black skirts and funky jackets. Hey! I was a kid! I thought it was cool. I remember sobbing to my step-mother one night about this (And I hadn’t even hit high school yet)… So she said “I have a solution”. We went into her closet and she pulled out this gorgeous, long and black skirt of hers. She also grabbed out a pair of scissors. She made me put on this skirt and she made an incision around my thighs and proceeded to cut me a short, black skirt like the other girls. When she dropped me home she showed my mother who then took to the skirt and sewed up the hemline.. It was JUST like the other girls.

Finally I felt that approval. I went to the next disco like them in my little skirt. I felt like one of them.

When I hit highschool though, the bullying got worse. I was picked on my hair, my clothes, my weight. Hell, I was picked on just for being there. For existing. I hated life so much and I would fake illness at any given oppurtunity. Then when I was in Year 11, my old primary school best friend, the most popular girl in school, took me under her wing and people stopped hassling me just for being around her. Finally a break. Unfortunately, by this point, I resented myself so much that my confidence was nil.

I left highschool and met Mr X. A guy who showed interest in me. (As I have said, I met Kelly on the same night but had zero confidence to let him know and it took a marriage and 2 kids later for us to get together… No regrets on the kids). Mr X was a bully too. (Again I will not go into it on here any further).

So, a little over 4 years ago here I was. Alone, finding my ground. Not a shred of confidence left and little self value.

(I do have a point, I will get to it)

I started uni, I met some incredible friends. My best friend Chantelle had stood by me the whole time and then I met Rachael in my worst time, and she stood by me too. I fell into theatre and met the most confident and incredible people you could imagine. By surrounding myself with those who boosted me up, helped to heal the years of being brought down.

I started dating Kelly and, I am not going to lie, it was tough at times. We were both in a dark place trying to get through. And sometimes it felt like we just made each other worse.

But then, something changed. I started performing to the public and with each show, more of me felt like I was ok. To hear a fellow cast mate say “Hey! You were SO funny out there tonight!” made my heart leap and me believe, even a little bit, that I was worth it.

Then Kelly started healing, and our relationship went from tough, to a little easier, to smooth, to almost (In my subjective point of view…) perfect.

I became a better friend, a better mother and a better me. I started to buy my own trendy clothes, I went out more, I travelled more, I went from the quiet voice at the party to the loud and out there one, I started wearing make-up, I financially looked after myself, I lost weight… I loved life.

And then, last night, it hit me. Whilst I felt awesome and confident, there are still demons inside. I am still somehow consistently seeking approval, or to be told that I am alright, ok. I tried to drink more so Kelly would think I was “cool”… I watched things on TV that I thought people thought were cool. I spoke a little louder so people wouldn’t see through to the shit scared person that I am at heart who desperately doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

I feel guilty for hurting people. I feel guilty for making choices to separate myself from those who hurt me… because I don’t want them being hurt (Despite whatever they have done to me).

And then, after chatting to Vee and Kel today about things, it occurred to me. It is ok for me to have imperfections, it is ok for me to feel sad or hurt, it is ok for me to make mistakes, it is ok for me not to be exactly like them (Yeah, I think they are quite alike in many ways). It is ok for me not to drink like a fish and like I.T. related stuff. It is ok for me to be fiery and passionate and all of those things. As Kelly has said to me “These are the reasons that I love you. Not because you are just like me, because you aren’t”…

I know this is a deep emotional type post, but a blog is to release.

I just think that even though I may be energetic or… full on? At the heart of it all is a very timid person with a lifetime of hurt who is just trying to recover and be loved. And also, learn to say no.

I don’t think I am easy work. But then, I don’t think anyone else is either. So that shall become my mantra.

With that… Yes! I love Buffy (Hooray!), No! I don’t like drinking more than 3 drinks (I think I am full on enough without booze!), I don’t like I.T. stuff (I can turn a computer on!), Yes! I do like the spotlight (But 99% of the time, only on stage!). No! I am not like you. Yes! I am ok.

I had been striving to be a little more like Vee and Kel and some other of his friends (As they are so cruisy and easy). I told this to Kelly and he said to me “Hun, if you were like us, you’d be boring… They are just that. Friends, YOU  I am going to spend the rest of my life with…” Followed by “Believe what you wrote”.

It isn’t going to happen tonight or tomorrow, but I will make my best effort to be ok with me… Not just in the moment, but all the time

Love me xox

Back in the saddle again. A blog post with no challenge.  Oh my life feels so empty.

So, back to the writings of mine and Kelly’s existence.

This week has been a hard week. I am not going to say why (At least not publicly, if you are nosey you can message me and I may tell you ) but it was very unsettling and difficult. You get those.

Men, I feel being men, always need to find a solution to the problem. Most often they come in and try and save the day. Women, as a generalised rule, just want to vent or cry and then do one of two things:

1. Find a solution.
2. Pretend it never happened.

All Men Want To Be Superman (Even If They Don’t Admit It!)

If Kelly and I have a tiff, often it will end up with me saying “GAH! Why must you always try and fix the problem when all I want to do is cry and have a cuddle?!”

He will say “Not everything is fixed with a cuddle!”

And here again is the difference between males and females.

SURE! He may very well be right (As if I would tell him this ) but for all intensive purposes he isn’t! I’m a girl and it is my prerogative to make unreasonable requests in moments of high pressure.

So, this week when things started going a bit haywire, I was waiting for the usual response of Kelly trying to be Mr Fix It (Trust me, it isn’t a bad trait, it is quite endearing, it only annoys me when I want to be right! )

On Wednesday night he went out drinking with my Dad and big brother and came home, as he said, three sheets to the wind. Now… I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kelly drunk, for reasons I probably shouldn’t say here He woke me up to have a d & m. I was waiting for him to go into all the reasons to fix things… but he didn’t. He cuddled me, he listened, he held my hand. Sure, he had his input and his view on things which was so contructive and helpful.

Then last night, when I was feeling at my absolute worst, he put the kidlets in bed then he came and sat on the couch. He pulled me up against him, I rested my head in his lap with a blanket over me. He stroked my back and hair, gave me more kisses than I could count and did so until I fell asleep.

Today, I felt a lot more relaxed and content and less worried about all the things that had happened or all the things that might.

So, the point here is. I WAS RIGHT! A cuddle really is all I needed to fix this problem

AH HA!

So it is the last day of the challenge. And I am going to finish with a bang. Day 30 arrived. My blog will return to its former glory very soon. I am, however, going to take part in a 25 day movie challenge that Chelle and I designed. (Mostly Chelle )

So, my final song.

Day 30. Your Favourite Song At This time Last Year.

Again this is one of my all time favourites. I remember hearing this group on the radio and wanting to gag. Their song was over player and it grated me. Then I went to the Maroon 5 concert (Third row seats thank you) and these guys were supporting them. They really were quite awesome. The crowd went psycho happy over them. Even I got caught up in it. However, they finished their set with this song. I tell you, I was completely moved. It was so beautiful and the piano in it live was heart thumping material.

It is up in my top 3 so with that, my favourite song (Which is fair) at this time last year was: (And obviously is still today… Saved the best for last)

Someone To Save You: One Republic.

Day 29. Are you feeling sad? One more day. Then this blog will resume as normal.

Day 29: A Song From Your Childhood.

I knew straight away what I would go for here. I think my friend Jo would appreciate this. Think… More like KNOW!. When I was a little girl my older brother told me about this great new group (I was about 6 at the time) and as soon as I started to like them, and they got popular, he started to hate them. Shock horror. The very first album I ever owned was their debut album. As a kid, I was obsessed. I had posters everywhere, had their videos (Which I still own!) and merchandise galour. The high point being I went to their concert when I was in Year 6.The song that always sticks in my head is this one.

I don’t think they really need an introduction.

Covergirl: New Kids On The Block.

And you know, Jo and I have said that if they ever miraculously come back… We’re there.

We have been away this weekend so tut tut tut… My day 26, 27 and 28 and all combined… Sorry guys!

So, Day 26: A Song You Can Play On An Instrument.

I grew up playing flute and piano so you would think I would have something here. Honestly, I haven’t played in so long now that I don’t want to claim I can do anything. My poor piano is sitting in my eyesight now unplayed for longer than I want to admit to. Alas, I thought for comic relief, this is actually a true and fair song to use. I can actually play this though, I am sure most people can. Also, when we went to New York I stook next to this actual one!:

Just Watch This Will Ya?!

Day 27: A Song You Wish You Could Play:

I wouldn’t say it is an entire song… There is a solo in this which I just love love LOVE. I have always wished it was me doing it. I don’t know why, it is just so hauntingly beautiful. She features through the whole song but the solo is just… Argh… Beautiful. I have loved this song for over a decade and it is a love to last a life time. The song in general is one of my favourites. *Heart thump*

Velvet Rope: Janet Jackson. Ft. Vanessa Mae

Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty.

This is a hard one. A song that makes me feel guilty. Guilty how? Guilty that I like it (Though isn’t that a guilty pleasure?) Or guilty over something I have done? I think this is actually really hard to answer. The only thing that springs to mind is this song. A couple of years ago Kelly went overseas and whilst he was there I sent him a ‘Dear John’ e-mail. (Cold hearted cow I know, I was too wussy to do it to his face) He took it pretty bad (to say the least) and I felt rotten that I did that and this song I played a lot at that point.

So, I felt guilty that I did that while he was away with no right of reply and, well, that I did that in general as I was still crazy about him and I was trying to do that whole ‘bigger’ person thing. HA! Shows how well it worked anyway? Look where we are now

The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore: James Morrison.

So two more days people. Then I will have to waffle about life again…   Unless, of course, someone else pipes up with a new challenge…