Feeling smooshy sentimental today… And warning… A happy post ahead! (HOORAY!)

It warrants being written about. Tomorrow my big brother, one of my best friends, is getting married. Married. My heart smiles knowing that he is so happy and contented.

I know I have mentioned before, but it needs to be said… I hold my brother in high regard. I have three amazing brothers… However this is dedicated to the big bro… He is an all around great guy. He doesn’t have it in him to hurt any one with intent, he is a BRILLIANT father to my two nieces and nephew, he is an AMAZING uncle, a great son and brother, a wonderful partner and a successful and hard worker. His whole life he has been loved and adored by all. He’s the kind of guy that guys want to be mates with and girls swooned over. It made high school difficult for me as my friends were all “Ooooooo he is sooooo hotttt” *roll eyes*… but secretly, I was pretty proud of him (Though I prayed he NEVER got together with any of my friends)… And thankfully, he didn’t…

Growing up we fought of course, but got along far more… Through my parent’s separation and divorce we became closer and he went from over protective big brother to over protective big brother, who was also my friend and confidant.
For all the events my Dad misses, Dan was there. He drove me to friend’s houses, he bought me new shoes when I was too embarrassed to ask my parents for new ones, he confronted any bullies I had at school and warned them to stay away. He coached my basketball team, he always threw himself into helping out my birthday parties and when my first marriage ended, he was there 100%, supporting me through it and even enrolled me into Uni. I would never have graduated last week if it wasn’t for him.

I have so many great memories of growing up.

He is 5 years older than me yet he still put out a Santa sack until I was old enough to catch on , he also used to camp out in the lounge room with me and would say “Did you hear that? I think I heard bells?”…

When I was in pre-school, he would always come and visit me at the fence and shove through yogo and other food in case I was hungry.
He always used to build forts in the house and at the time I thought he was as into it as me… Then I realised that being 5 years older, he did that FOR me…

I’ll never forget the day my daughter was born and I phoned him to tell him the news… He was at work at the time and I could hear him yell out “I AM AN UNCLE! I HAVE A NIECE!” with absolute joy and pride. Even today he adores my kids and treats them as he does his own…

As adults, we have the same warped sense of humour and often will chuckle at things with others giving us that “ooooookay then” look.

I chose him as my “man of honour” at my wedding to Kelly as whole else in the world could possibly fill those shoes?

Back to marriage… Yes he has been married before. So was I. I want to say right now I adored my former sister-in-law as I do the new one… I still love her dearly and always will.

I have been INSANELY lucky in the way to have two wonderful women come into my life.

Jetske, my brother’s wife to be, is an absolutely GORGEOUS individual. I knew from the day I met her he would marry her. She would walk into a room and he would instantly relax. She absolutely idolises him and loves him so dearly. My brother has always been a work horse, and to a degree still is, but around her he knows how to stop. He knows how to breathe and he knows he can enjoy the day instead of worrying about the world (Which his whole life, he has always seemed to do).

I love Jetske’s aura. She is so loving and warm and is a natural with children. She has also been a massive part of getting me through the cancer. She was there all the way through and one of the very first on my doorstep the day I found out. How can we not love this woman?

This, believe it or not, is highly condensed. I could forever go on.

Daniel, I love you bro. You are an absolutely AMAZING person and I thank you for being the best big brother in the world… I could not have gotten through the highs and lows without you.

I wish you and Jetske all the love and happiness your hands and hearts can hold. I hope you have as much love and happiness and Kelly and I do. You both deserve the very best of everything and I am so honoured to be there with you tomorrow, and more so, sign my name on the paper to make it official.

Congratulations my beautifuls xoxox

My Brother and his Beautiful Wife (To Be)

I considered shutting the blog down for a little while to collect my thoughts and get some new focus…

But here I still am

I am writing tonight in reflection of the year that was. You know, one story I fondly remember is being a 16 year old sitting at the Atrium Burswood at my big brother’s 21st birthday, looking at him in adoration and yet thinking “Oh my god! You are SO old!”

My Brother and I Dressed Up For My 30th Birthday Which Turned Out To Be Mine and Kelly’s Surprise Wedding!

To think that was half my life ago (Well, nearly) is mind boggling.

Tonight is the eve of my 31st birthday and, looking back, I never imagined my 30th year of life would be as it was. I even think back to my brother’s 30th, 6 years ago, and remember how my Grandfather, who both my brother and I had a very strong bond with, passed away 2 days later. Then mine rolled around and I was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t think either could ever have anticipated what was.

I always thought maybe I would be married at 30, maybe kids, successful, happy and on top of the world. In my 30 years I got married MUCH too young, had two insanely gorgeous children, left and set myself up financially, went to uni also, raised two kids nearly alone and then met what is the love of my life.

I set goals after the demise of my first marriage “Graduate uni, be happy, be repartnered (Not necessarily married), have my own home and go overseas” by my 30th birthday. All bar two had come into fruition and I was happy.

There once was a time I couldn’t even hear the word cancer without freaking out and changing the TV channel or avoiding conversations… That was never going to be me.

My 30th birthday comes and it WAS me. Very raw, very real, it WAS me… At first when I was processing I thought to myself “I FINALLY GOT HAPPY AND THEN THIS HAPPENS!” but that soon started to ease.

Now tonight, on the eve of my 31st birthday, I feel that in 1 year I have accomplished so much more than I did in the 30 years preceeding.

I have grown strength, compassion, understanding, patience (To a degree ) and feel, as a human, I have far more to contribute to the world now than ever before…

My road is still going and it won’t ever stop, but I am thankful for all the lessons I have learnt.

Yes, I would LOVE for Kelly and I to have a better year than the last one… For sure… That is only natural… But it isn’t so much because it isn’t a year I haven’t appreciated… Because I do… I am just tired and need a rest before my next hurdle is put in front of me… Whenever and whatever that may be

So farewell 30. You weren’t what I expected. And hello 31… Let’s hope this is a year of greatness! Already in 2 weeks I graduate, we are building our first home, I am hoping to return to post graduate study and do more fundraising for Ovarian Cancer Australia, topping the 13k we already raised… So far, so good

Kelly and I on my ‘Actual’ 30th… September 8th.

I haven’t much felt like writing here lately… Mostly as I am tired and often don’t have the words. So today I have blatantly stolen something from my bestie’s blog and posted it here. It was a real pick me up today and she wrote so beautifully, I thought it worth sharing

Friday, 17 August 2012

It’s So Much Friendlier With Two

While I was in hospital, my dearest friend Leanne was undergoing chemotherapy for Ovarian Cancer. A horrendous journey that she and her family went through, and although she has finished her chemotherapy (and is now cancer free!!) she still walks the tough road every day while she recovers physically and emotionally from the cancer.

Friends are the family you choose, and I think I have chosen well. Bipolar, and many forms of mental illness, carry such a social stigma. As much as I should be honest and comfortable with what I have been through, when I am faced with someone I’m not sure I trust I find myself telling them that I suffered post natal depression, and conveniently skip over the psychotic, neurotic, manic bits. I don’t want to be remembered as ‘the crazy one’. But with Leanne and her family (who I trust wholeheartedly), I’m not the one who went crazy, I’m just Rachael. Just like Leanne to me is just Leanne – not the girl with Cancer.

What I am trying to say is that one thing that has helped me on this journey is my friendship with Leanne. The road is much less lonely when you have someone to laugh with, talk with and cry with. Life is so much more enjoyable when you are sent amusing texts and facebook posts (or voicemails that merely say “we’re doomed!” ) And as Pooh Bear once proclaimed “it’s so much more friendlier with two!”  

So thank you Leanne for everything you have done for me, and for all the ways you have helped me. I appreciate it more than I can express. Love you lots my sister from another mister

Wow! Where do I begin?

I have so many going on in my head and no idea where to start. Ok… Let me see here… Well… After a very long couple of years of everything surrounding my cancer I got the all clear last Thursday. On the day I was very overwhelmed. I didn’t jump up and down and cheer, Kelly and I didn’t jump into an embrace and start kissing passionately or even do a little jig! (For me, this is a GREAT shock… We all know I like a good jig!!!) Oh, and for you gutter people, I mean dance… Not WOO HOO!!!

Anyhoo, we walked out of the Drs office with A LOT of information he gave us about where we go from here (as we all know it isn’t over for at least 5 years). We stood out the front of the hospital and just looked at each other. We didn’t move for a while, just stood, collecting our thoughts. Kelly grabbed my hand and said “Soooooooo?”… I replied “Ummmmm… did that all just happen?” … “Yep” … “Oh… Ok then”. That was it. We walked back to the car and proceeded to call the parental units, brother and Rach (Who had called earlier to see how things were).

I think it took me a good number of hours following to stop crying. Why OH why?! I bawled like a baby! It just felt so bizarre. This has consumed so much of my life that I didn’t really know how to react.

Once I got it out, I got clarity. Sure I have a long road ahead, but you know, one day at a time and where we are right now is a good place. I am cancer free today. And today is what matters

It got me thinking about our Auction which begins this Tuesday (The same day as my beautiful boy’s 6th birthday) and how important this is to me and how for the first time in my life I am doing something truly worthwhile. Something that makes me happy and makes me feel peaceful. I am not getting paid to do this, I am not getting extra donations on the side, everything from this has gone to Ovarian Cancer Australia. This makes me so happy. There are women out there who presently need help and there are women who will need help in the future and the amount of support we are getting already shows that this “Silent Cancer” is no longer so silent. For each person that hears about it is one less person who is in the dark.

Find us here:

https://www.facebook.com/LetsOvaRunCancerAuction

Doing Today Tonight was an experience. One of my galpals organised it so when I heard about it I was in a bit of shock. I was actually sitting in a carpark when I got the call and just staring for what felt like an hour, panicing and thinking “There is NO WAY I can do this!” … But let me say, when the reporter and crew came they were amazing. It just felt like having a chat over coffee as the camera is set quite far back. They were so approachable and interested and they didn’t at all pry.

I am glad we did it now. Really glad. I can look back in the future and say “We did something more than being shoved into an office our whole lives and paper pushing”.

Kelly and I, Sarah, Narelle and Danie are just so damn proud of what we have accomplished and what started off as me thinking we may get one or two pieces of old furniture etc, turned into so far 140 donations from many individuals, businesses, major sporting clubs and support from Channel 7, Derryn Hinch and other celebs on Twitter giving us a boost. It has been hard word but so so so so so so worth it.

It may sound like I am blowing my own trumpet but it isn’t about that. It is about feeling so useless for so long during this and now standing up and doing something which will hopefully help. We are now trying to register this to make it a yearly event and I desperately hope we can get it off of the ground.
If I can help just one woman (Hopefully more) then I have truly made a difference.

I said to Kelly yesterday that having Ovarian Cancer has truly been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. You may think this is crazy but it is true! Yes it was hard but what it has given me in life is AMAZING. What I have gained:

• I have made some close and amazing friendships in ways I never thought possible. People I had very little or nothing to do with have now become people I cherish through bonding and compassion.
• My relationship with Kelly is the BEST it has ever been. Not that it has ever been bad but now we are just so cruisy on things and my goodness, we laugh A LOT.
• I am closer to both of my parents. I love this.
• I am a lot calmer about things. This is one thing Kelly is enjoying immensly.
• I am not afraid of the word cancer now. I used to be terrified. But i’m not anymore. It doesn’t instantly mean death sentence.
• I finally know now what I want out of my life. I want to immerse myself in oncology because of the above reason. I want to help people going through this even if I can only ever volunteer (Though I am hoping to do post grad study that allows me to be further in it)
• I have filtered down my friendships to the point of knowing who is and isn’t a positive influence in my life.
• I have met many people, even ever so briefly, from all walks of life who feel comfortable to talk to me about their path through the big ‘C’. It has been educating.

These are just some of the things.

I am still fighting the odd days of blues though. Majorly due to the whole “Well what now?” thing… However now is the time for my life to start again.

Kelly and I are building a house. It was a MAJOR decision and a big move but the bottom line is the house we are in is too small and we have to move. This has actually made this house really happy. It has given us “new beginnings”… The start of something new. New suburb, new house and new memories.

Also, hopefully, Kelly and I next year can start trying for a baby. We have allowed ourself the year to try and if nothing by the end of ’13 then it wasn’t meant to be… We’re ok with this

And of course my hair is starting to come back! It’s funny, I am more confident now than ever going out without a wig. The most usual reaction is that people want to give it a good rub. It makes me laugh. It is so soft and people love to touch it. I am so amused.

Although on the flip side, ALL my hair is growing back … Honestly, IPL would be amazing! I swear everyday I am starting to become more and more like Chewbacca! (Ok, so maybe it is exaggerated!…Or is it? )

Leannebacca:
NOW THAT’S A MERKIN!!!

I actually had to go out this week and buy a new razor!!! What a concept

Except now I don’t have to use it on my noggin!!!

Advanced Hair, Yeah Yeah?

Kelly and I have both realised how great our lives really are in the grand scheme of things. Kelly summed it up yesterday when we went out for drinks with old work collegues of his. He leant over and said to me “Babe, in case I forget to tell you this later because I am too drunk, being here and remembering old stories is great but having the life I have with you now is amazing and I would never change a thing with how far we have come” … It was really beautiful.

I feel the same. I wouldn’t change a thing if I could…

All in all, as Kelly said today, this week has been the most normal week we have had in a long time. Except for me having the damn plague! Stupid colds! The weather has been AMAZING here this week and I was all stuffed up! Still, I am guessing now I have gone through all of this I need to put on my big girl panties whenever I get a cold Suck it up princess!!!

Alright… Bye for now my lovely readers.

I haven’t written in a while because, truthfully, I went into a lot of reflection after my last post (Which I have since not deleted, but set it to private for a while… I know some of you read it).
A lot of that really affected me and made me question my approach to a lot of things.

Bottom line though is I am me and have to do this my way. End of story.

The other thing is, now that chemo is over, I am trying to figure out who I am and what I am now. It is a weird zone. You know chemo is over so you expect that you should be well and able to jump right back up and be totally normal. Then you start to realise that this is not the case. You are still SO SO SO tired. Your body still aches and you feel like a shell of what you were before it all started.

And to be bluntly honest, the depression I have now far exceeds anything I went through during chemo. According to my Drs this is normal because whilst on chemo, you are just too sick to feel anything but… well sick. Then it all hits you at the end. This is true. I have felt very down, very lost and very overwhelmed. How long until I feel more energetic? How long until my hair growns back? (Yes, you notice this EVERY DAY!) How do you every stop worrying that something bad is growing within?

You have so much time to think now and that is where reality hits.

In my post chemo CT scan my other ovary showed two little cysts. Of course my natural instinct is to go into panic overdrive. My Drs said my bloodwork was great, there was no evidential solid lump on the CT scan so in all likeliness they are benign. I have an ultrasound Friday and I am more scared now that what I was during this whole process. I can’t even explain why.

I need to learn the power of positive thinking… Then again, maybe it is best to be pleasantly surprised?

People ask me “What does your gut say as this was the thing that got you diagnosed in the first place?” … This is FANTASTIC logic… Unfortunately my gut seems to have gone on vacation and left me to make a call. I have no idea. We’ll see huh? Watch this space, no doubt you will know either way.

The one good thing going for me is that I had a cyst on this ovary before I started chemo which was biopsied and came back clear. So the chances of it developing into malignancy during chemo is quite slim.

Back to the hair. Yes the hair. Tonight was the first time in months I have had to shave in the shower. That was weird. Something I had almost forgotten. Though the hair now is very fine and more visable than a physical thing to the touch. Was bizarre.

My head hair is on its way. It almost happened overnight. One day nothing, the next a puffy fuzz. Kelly is calling me his chia pet. It is very blonde and very soft. I wonder how long it will take? (See again! I ask the question).

Anyway, this is a bit of a ramble. Hey, I am tired, it is bedtime and all that jazz.

Wish me luck for Friday… I will imagining many hands holding mine.

Cancer doesn’t end at the end of chemo, it seems like it is going to follow me indefinately.

Still, I definately believe now is the time for us to have a great life. And I know I am going to survive, I just hope the road does, in fact, end with this chemo alone

We’re about to build a new house… New house, new start, new memories, long life