French Kissing

Day 3… You dredded thing you. All I can say is a big fat ouch again… My bones hurt… Dag nabbit! And it is the weekend! I want to run around and go out for dinner and go shopping like normal people.

Still, this is my normal and shockingly I am becomming more comfortable with it. Yes, it hurts… But you know, I have come this far. It blows my mind to think this is my 4th treatment. I have made it this far on the road.
It may not seem a lot to some, but when you talk to all the Oncology team you would be amazed at how many people quit their treatment along the way. In fact, I have seen it for myself. The appointments were taking a long time so the gentleman in question and his encouraging daughter walked out and said as they left “Well it isn’t a big deal, you’ve done a couple”.

I know there are people who think it is some giant conspiracy to do chemotherapy but you know. I made an informed and calculated choice and I am comfortable with it.

I have now done 4 out of 6 treatments and whilst I can’t say “I feel great”… I can say that yes I feel some sense of achievement and satisfaction. I have learnt so much and you know, for the first time in my life, I can say I feel beautiful. For those who saw the pictures of my photo shoot you will know what I am referring to. I was shy, ashamed a little about being in the physical form I am in… Seeing the photos made me see myself differently. I felt real, and beautiful… And to see in a picture my husband, my children and my mother looking at me so adoringly… You can’t fake that… That is love. Real genuine love. They love me! And boy do I love them.

You’ve Got The Love I Need To See Me Through…

Anyway… Big news in this house hold today…

The Cancer Council of Western Australia are sending me a house cleaner!!! This sits strangely with me. I like my house clean for sure and yet, like many people I am told, I felt completely paranoid my house was too dirty for her to come into and clean! … I keep a tidy house, even with Chemo… But I started noticing things that ordinarily wouldn’t be noticeable. It took for my gorgeous hubby to come in and go “Babe, honestly, what are you doing?!” … Me and my frail self at the moment trying to nit pick at things… Alas, I got a big cuddle and demanded to go back and lay down.

Ok boss!

I keep thinking there is somebody out there more fitting to have this than me! However my chemo co-ordinator said “Sweetie, if you don’t use these services then the funding goes to waste… Believe me, everybody is taken care of”…
What angels there are out there to do this for you?
Thank you to them…

I was talking to Rachael about this matter and she had grand images of something like this coming to help me out:

“I Have Come To Clean Zeee House”

Me being the individual I am brought her back down to earth and said… “Well no… More like this….”

“Well Hello Handsome… Is That A Hose In Your Hand Or…..?”

Now now, let’s be serious… I am actually being sent a lovely and normal lady over who will fast become my angel. Just as the individuals who now give me natural therapies like Reiki, Bowen Therapy and Healing Touch have.

I want to shout out a huge thank you to those who throw themselves into the volunteering community for people going through tough times. These, to me, are the real heroes.

Lastly, once more, I want to thank the wonderful people who liked the album and shared it on Facebook of the photo session. Money will be donated from both  the business and Kelly and myself to the Ovarian Cancer Foundation of Australia.

I have so much love and gratitude for all of you. To those who haven’t, click like and support the thousands of women out there who are combating this illness.

This is going to be on a little more serious side. I do not in any shape, sense or form want to take away from Breast Cancer. It is a nasty cancer and deserves the attention it does.

However, after having been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, I have noticed more and more the lack of fundraising and support for this kind of cancer. There is so much press for the Pink Ribbon that it feels like the Teal Ribbon gets left behind. Yes, breast cancer is more common, yes it gets more press as celebrities of plenty have had it, however, Ovarian Cancer is one of the most deadly cancers of all.

The reason for this is that it is so difficult to detect. Women can spot breast cancer through self examination but you can’t self examine ovaries (DUH!)

Women are not given enough education on signs and symptoms and so it becomes a case of “To do it later”. How many women go to the Dr once a year and say “Can I please get a CA 125 blood test and an ultrasound?” Just to err on the side of caution?

I was stubborn enough to fight it for 13 months, not all women are like me. It isn’t a criticism, it is a fact.

So, with this it got me to thinking (Especially as in the last 5 or so days I have seen so many campaigns for breast cancer fundraising and awareness)…

I would like to do an Ovarian Cancer fundraiser of some kind. I am not sure how or what, but I have just been reading the Ovarian Cancer Australia website and you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, any time of year…(See Link Below)

http://www.ovariancancer.net.au/support-us/fundraising/

I would love to do this with the support of my friends and family. Women and Men.  I know it wouldn’t be thousands of dollars nor change the face of Ovarian Cancer awareness, however, it would be a little part in the world, a little token to show it does matter and it matters to me.

So this is just a starting call to see who would be interested to work with me on this… Even if it is just a little morning tea at my house. I would am putting the call out there to get some back up. Ideas, support, attendance… You name it.

This would be the greatest gift you could give me and others in my situation…

I don’t want to become Lance Armstrong… I just want to put in a little bit to make a little difference.

Before anyone I love, or a face I don’t know becomes like me, like this in the future… Having to do chemo and fight the fight. Like my new friend Shirley who is battling stage 3 with other illnesses…

I won’t hold it against you by any means and I am sorry if you feel guilted… Not at all my intention … I am just asking for help

The Night Of Chemo… At Least IHave New PJs (Which Usually I Don’t Wear But Now My Hair Is Gone I Get Super Cold )

Honestly, it is never dull in these parts.

One of the side effects of treatment is memory loss. Let me tell you, it is in full swing in this house. You know how they often say you get baby brain? Well I never did with either of mine. However, this has certainly… Ummmm… What was I going to say?

Here, for your amusement, are just a selection of things that I have done (Yes, we are amused too… It helps keep the mood light )

• After Kelly picked me up from treatment, we were discussing the side effects. I said to him “The nurse said I would have fruit tingles” … He looks at me, puzzled, then says “Sorry?” … “The nurse said that I will have fruit tingles, that they are totally normal” He again looks at me strangely… “Fruit tingles? Well the nurse would know wouldn’t she? I mean, you either have fruit tingles or you don’t… She would have given them to you?” … He is smirking at me and I then started to wonder what the problem was… After a bit of time had passed I looked at Kelly… “I said fruit tingles didn’t I?” … “YEP! *giggles*” … “I MEAN FOOT TINGLES!!!”
• Our little Mr had to go back into hospital last week… The nurse asks “What’s his birthday?” … Mental blank, look at Kelly for answer!
• The other night I went to brush my teeth before bed. Obviously this is something I do every night… I am brushing away then finally decide to rinse. I decided I needed to go to the toilet too before bed. The problem? I forgot I had started rinsing my mouth. Kelly then comes out of the bathroom and asks why his PJs are wet and smell minty… I had spat on his PJs and didn’t even think twice about it… WHOOPS!
• I often have moments when I wonder where Kelly has gone… Then it hits me… He’s at work.
• When I get out of the shower in the morning, every morning without fail I go to dry my hair. Fail.
• I put the margarine back in the cupboard.
• We went to catch up with our friend Vee the other day and we went for burgers and then grabbed ice-cream to take home and watch Masterchef afterwards. Everything was going well until the end… I said to Kelly “Ok, time for us to go home” … “Yep sure is”… As we stood up I was talking to Vee about a girls night we are planning with a couple of other friends. Then I turned around and gave Kelly and kiss and a cuddle to say goodbye… FAIL! Kelly was like “Hmmm ok so I will see you later then!” … Clearly Vee was surprised she was about to get another house guest! Good thing Kelly and Vee were kind enough to remind me I WAS actually going home. 

I Happen To Like Going Home With Him…

These are just a few of many things that have happened. Some days I swear I am going senial. Then I have to remind myself what senial is… Hahahahahaha…

Honestly, how much more does the body change? Oh, I should SO not ask that…At least this is one of the things that amuses us.

This time in one week from now I will only have 2 more to go… Hooray!

I am glad I will have normality again at some point soon. On Saturday Kelly and I went out to the movies and dinner and it was the first night in ages that I felt kind of normal. Pre treatment every second weekend we would be out for dinner together, or movies or whatever… However, lately we have opted to stay home for many obvious reasons. This was such a great night for me and for him just to unwind, spend some time together and have a moment where treatment wasn’t the focus. Have I mentioned just how much I love my husband? Honestly, I still get butterflies every day

This weekend, as you know, is Mother’s Day. I am so glad it is on one of my good weeks so I can, tiredness aside, enjoy it a little more. Also, this weekend we are having a family photo shoot with my baldilocks. I will reveal all once it is done. I really wanted to capture this point in my life. I think it is important I document it like this and show others it is ok to have the confidence to show themselves and not to hide away. Also that there is hope and humour. Above all else, that there is love.

I am actually looking forward to it… Especially as my photographer is someone so amazing!

Anyway, just a short one today… Well, shortish. The tiredness is overwhelming at the moment so short bursts of energy

Much love xoxo

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

Confucius

***WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS CONTENT OF ADULT NATURE… DO NOT READ IF IT OFFENDS YOU***

This is going to be one of those smooshy gooey lovey dovey posts. I’ll keep it as brief as possible…

I was sitting in the shower this morning… Ok hold on, let me explain… I was sitting… My shower is  rather large for one and for two, standing is an effort at the moment so sitting to shower helps me a great deal… And having a think.

Here I was, on one hand, the epitomy of what most women wish… Skin smooth as smooth can be, not a hair anywhere (It seems the be the biggest point of jealously from my galpals), no unsightly shave marks or stubble… It’s kind of sexy right? I mean women generally feel more feminine when they are silky. Well, at least in this culture.

Now on the other hand, I have a prickly, stubbly head with a bit of ‘peach fuzz’ and a few pimples.

If Kelly runs his hands up my legs, it is sexy… If he rubs his fingers through my… well… hair… It is kind of awkward and weird.

I was sitting and going through the body concious motions in my head. To feel sexy, to feel mutant. It is almost like that half white, half black impersonator. Look one way then the other and you have the best of both worlds.

One thing that my Drs talk to me about often is ‘Sexuality’ and ‘Chemotherapy’ … They insist that the majority of their patients lose interest and do not participate in any activity during treatment. This is largely due to a lack of drive versus the body image issues.

I understand. When you feel so sickly, it is hard to muster up ‘the mood’ let alone feel sexy.

As I sat in my shower I started thinking about how much my hair (Head people ) made me feel sexy… I loved my long hair, I loved the feeling of it on my back… I loved Kelly running his fingers through it… It then occurred to me just how much it became part of my identity as a “woman”.
This actually made me feel a little ridiculous. Why? My anatomy clearly states that I am female and there are men in the world who have long hair, so why am I putting such large emphasis on this physical attribute?

The lack of hair on the rest of my body is not enough to persuade me to feel ‘sexy’ or ‘sexual’. And yet, it is every woman’s dream. Why do you think IPL is so popular?

Now, Kelly and I have never had problems in ‘that department’. We have always been very active and things have never been dull. We are very fortunate to be very connected that way (Excuse the pun). I honestly didn’t believe that chemo would be enough to change this. Until this week.

This third cycle has hit me for six. I haven’t felt great, my body is more lumpy, my beautiful (and what I considered sexy) hair is gone and I kind of look like Gollum… My precious. This is my perception anyway.

I Can Always Muster A Smile For The Camera

I had been sitting in my shower trying to think how on earth I would tell Kelly “I am just not that into…. it?” (It is not him… To me, he is still as gorgeous as ever!). The strange thing is, my concerns were largely placed on what HE was thinking about me.
HE must think I am gross… HE must think I am not womanly as my hair is gone… HE must think I am gross because my body is filled with chemicals… HE HE HE. All HE.

Not in any of this did I think “Well HE hasn’t not said this” “HE has not implied this” “HE loves ME”.

All philosophical like, I then started thinking that we are our own worst critics. We judge ourselves so much more harshly than others and whilst everyone sees us as model, we see ourselves as physically deranged and deformed.

Still, this didn’t change my lack of “mojo”. I decided then I would have to tell Kelly how I was feeling and that maybe it needed to be put on the back burner. But then how would I do that? I layed in bed and started to strategise having “The talk” only to have my husband roll over and hold me and kiss me. He touched my skin and smiled at me, he looked into my eyes adoringly.
All of sudden my “Gollum” complex changed into me feeling like a super model again.

When everything was said and done I looked at my husband and said “I was going to tell you we can’t do that anymore because I feel like a beast” etc etc etc…

He looked at me, stroked my face and said “You are still and will always be beautiful to me”

And in that, is why I love the Confucious quote above so much. Beauty is in everything, just not everybody sees it. In this case, the everybody is me… I think now I will put this quote on my mirror just for a little kick each day.

Ok everybody… Join the conga line… Whoever goes second can dinky ride on a gopher! (I am a little sore… Ok… A LOT of sore… as usual post treatment so I will go cheats method of movement! hehehe )

Now by Gopher I don’t mean this:

Oh So Cute And Fluffy!!! (But I Don’t Want To Break His Back!)

I mean this:

 YEAH BITCHESSSSSS!!! Let’s Do This!!!

Anyway… Why the conga line?

I AM OVER THE HUMP!!! OVER HALF WAY THROUGH TREATMENT!!! HOORAH!!!

Happy Girl Yesterday In Treatment Number 3… Yes I Look Sickly (Hello, Chemo People!!!) And I Am Donning The Wig (My Head Gets SO Cold! This Provides Warmth) But Trust Me, I Am Stoked!!!

Yeah so it’s the usual… I am sore and sickly and tired etc etc etc… But things are so much easier to deal with when I have structure. I am good and cope so much better when there is a definate plan and I can work around it. I know what to expect, when to expect it and this is good with me. For those who love me, stay away in the first 7 days if you don’t want to see the Jeckyll and Hyde efffect
Ok so maybe it isn’t quite so bad… I just have minimal mobility Plus, the wig seldom makes an appearance…

This week I was rather amused at something new I learnt. Everybody told me Chemo would make me lose a lot of weight!!! RUBBISH! My dietician wanted me to put it on because you need to burn it off… I went to my Oncologist this week and have put on 3 kilos in a month! My jeans are tight… Bah humbug!!! I told her my concerns and she said to me…
“Honey, I think now is the time to break it to you… There are steroids in your anti-nausea medications… Steroids create both hunger and water retention… You were ALWAYS going to put on weight!!!… It will drop off as soon as treatment is over!”

God I hope so!!! Oddly I am still about 10 kilos smaller than I was through high school and the majority of my 20′s but bigger than I have been in the last 5 ish years…

At this point I chuckled. Steroids you say??? Interesting… I started to get images of steroid taking beef cakes… Then started to picture myself like this:

Well I Do Have A Nice Complexion

Could I use this to my advantage? To live out my dreams of a female body builder? To blend in with a big chunk of ham at Christmas time? My my family, my children so proud to see me flexing about, bald and wearing a Borat inspired costume? Hey, get cancer and go on one of those big “life altering cliched rampage” post treatment?
*grin*

Oh I kid! Instead the reality hit that I am more like this:

Does My Bum Look Big?

Ok so maybe this is an exaggeration ever so slightly… But this is the general area all the weight is going. HEY! Aren’t they in vogue right now? Between Kim and Coco, I would be stellar in the popularity!

On a more serious note, one of my favourite days is going in for treatment. I love being able to sit in a room with people just like me and comparing notes. I have soon learnt from others on what is important in life and how to make every day count. I love the positivity that fills a room full of people where hope seems to be the bleakest. I come back and I read Facebook and the trials a tribulations of those I know. 50% of me thinks that life goes on and it is all relative. 50% of me shakes my head and wonders how different people would be sitting in a room with these incredible and amazing people who inspire me every time I am there.

Men and women older than me and one case much younger than me, a teenager in fact, who continuously amaze me. We laugh about the bald heads, the older men about there new sets of dentures, the women who look to me and say “You are so brave to shave your head, we are letting our just drop bit by bit” … I don’t think it is brave, I was in pain and it helped Plus I am aero-dynamic!!!

We joke about needles, and yesterday I was one of two emergency cases. The needle broke in my hand and my hand filled up with chemo fluid causing it to swell like, well my arse at the moment The nurses and Drs were mortified and apologetic. I was amused and took the mickey out of the situation. I said to the Dr how he should never have listened to me when I demanded they put the needle in my left hand. I also joked at how problematic going to the toilet would be as well as my ability to float around the room like a helium balloon.

Well Hello Fat Balloon Hand…

The bottom line is, why let these things get me down? The process is crappy enough so laughing it out seems the only real solution. I love to laugh, and I love to make others laugh. Particularly those in real dire and grim situations.

What I would like you to carry away from this post is think about the things that stress you, then think about what it would mean to be in the situation these beautiful people are in (I exclude myself from this because I am comfotable dealing with what I have and doing what I can to get by). Then re-evaluate your stresses. You do not have to endure the gruelling pain these people are in, yet they laugh, they joke and they smile.

I think one of the best lines of all time comes from the movie Philladelphia which I often think of through this process:

“I’m not guilty, I’m not innocent, I am just trying to survive”

Bravo. So true.

Pain is merely pain, lack of sleep is merely lack of sleep, a cold is just a cold, a big bill is just a big bill, work is merely work… And whilst each thing can be horrible and a real big downer in your life… Take a deep breath, count to 10 and know that there are people out there battling in a way you could not comprehend until you do it.

I could be mad and angry about going through this… And there are times I definately feel that way (Most of the time privately with my family) and resentful… But on the whole I am so thankful to be going through this because the lessons it is teaching me, the compassion, the patience and the forgiveness of both people and life has made me a much stronger person. I have gotten to know some incredible people, some amazing and inspiring individuals and this I will NEVER forget.

Plus I would rather this be me than any of those I love… I would rather take it for the team

Love you all… xoxo